Alive

If I were to sum up my last 2 months in one word, that would be alive.

All the things I've been through, all the things I witnessed, all the people I met, all the emotioions and reactions I had make me feel alive. From being very angry to extremly serene, from needing someone to being completely independent, from very healthy to kind of sick, from bored to very busy, from lonely to being in love, I experienced it all. And I am happy for everything that happened, every training I delivered, every meeting I attended, every conversation, every party, every walk, every sunset, every kiss, every new person.

I feel alive. I was never before aware of this feeling.

Pe una din strazile mele

"Ma trezesc luni de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, nu vad ca e o groapa si cad in ea.
Ma trezesc marti de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, nu vad ca e o groapa si cad in ea.
Ma trezesc miercuri de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, vad ca e o groapa si cad in ea.
Ma trezesc joi de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, vad ca e o groapa, o ocolesc si imi continui drumul.
Ma trezesc vineri de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, ma intalnesc cu un vecin, vorbesc cu el, vad ca e o groapa, o ocolesc si imi continui drumul.
Ma trezesc sambata de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, nu-mi dau seama ca groapa e acolo, o ocolesc si imi continui drumul.
Ma trezesc duminica de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta si o iau pe alt drum."

Pe strada SBDB e vineri. Timpul e ciudat. Ai spune ca intre miercuri si joi sunt numai cateva ore. Mie mi-a luat 3 ani. Si inca un an sa ajung de joi pana vineri. Sunt curioasa cat o sa mai dureze pana duminica...

My perfect week in Sweden

I wish I could export the movie I have in my mind about my week in Sweden. I wish I could describe every feeling, every moment, every emotion. But I can't. I lost my writing skills long time ago. Still, I feel the need to write about it. To remember it. To treasure it.

It seems like I'm using too big words for a trip . But it was the first time when I took a trip to find an answer to a burning question. And I was lucky enough to find my answer, to feel it and to share it with other people. It didn't take me long to figure out what's the answer, but I was patient and I lived and analyzed every moment so that I am sure that I have the right answer.

My perfect week in Sweden... Why perfect? Because I felt home. Because the colours were simply wonderful. Because the first thing I saw when I woke up was a lovely tree with yellow leafs. Because I laughed, I connected with people, I was true to myself. Because I was at my best. Because I was a good trainer and I challenged the ones around me. Because I felt so proud of being Romanian. Because of a sugarcube. Because I want to go back.

But more than that, I met beautiful individuals. I worked in the best faci team ever. I loved the atmosphere, the duck effect, the hugs, the trust, the challenges. It felt like we've been working together forever.

I loved my perfect week in Sweden. And I love my brand new personal project inspired by my perfect week in Sweden :)

Sheer happiness

Sheer happiness... Till now, I believed that sheer happiness means a collection of moments that appear every once in a while. I never thought it could be the background feeling, the one that is always present, no matter what I'm doing, no matter how I'm reacting to different situations, no matter what else is happenning around.

Yesterday I was back in that enironment. I attended Big Build in Beius and together with international volunteers from Northern Ireland I worked on the interior insulation of a 1 room apartment. It was amazing to see around 150 people from Northern Ireland, UK, USA and Romania working hard in order to build 12 homes in 1 week. It was amazing to be part of them and build with them. It was amazing to meet people in their 60s or 70s that volunteer with Habitat for decades. And it was definitely useful to understand how to soundproof a room :)

I love what Habitat offers me. I got to know great persons, meet new friends and see the impact of our activities on the volunteers and the partner families. I was challenegd and I learned so many things related to people, event planning, cultural differences and building houses. Definitely, Habitat is an organization where I belong and for which I will be working in the near future (it may be in Cluj, Bratislava or a country somewhere in Africa or Asia).

Just writing about it and remembering made me feel happy again. wooow!

I miss you

I miss some people. The more I travel, the more people I meet, the more I increase my network, the more I miss the ones I truely connected with.

R,A,A,A,H,L,L,L,C,M,S - I miss you a lot!

My sunscreen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; [I'm doing it only when I'm traveling or when I reach an important objective]

oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. [probably true. I usually tend to value experiences and people only after I don't have them in my present]

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you [I'm aware of this now, at least on a professional level]

and how fabulous you really looked…[In march/april/may I was much more aware of that. Now I don't actually care how I look]

You’re not as fat as you imagine. [yeah, right...]

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. [I know this, but every now and then I'm still only worrying instead of actually doing something about it]

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; [I'm lucky. I'm only dealing with 1 big trouble right now - one of those I can't influence at all, so I only hope and stay positive]

the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. [never happenned so far, hopefully it won't happen anytime soon]

Do one thing everyday that scares you [No! I'm rarely doing things that scare me. I'm too afraid that I might do it wrong. A strong part of me is still the perfect kid that always does what she's suppossed to do. I know I should work on this, but I'm not making it a priority]

Sing [I'm doing it more often than before, even if I can't actually sing]

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, [I'm not. I was like this a few years ago, but I learned my lesson]

don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. [I put up only with one person. I hope I won't do it again]

Floss [not my favourite activity]

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; [working on this, but sometimes it's really hard]

sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind… [I was ahead, but this time of the year I feel I am behind, while the pressure to be ahead is huge]

the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. [I'm not fully convinced of this one]

Remember the compliments you receive, [Unless they are written, I don't remember them]

forget the insults; [ I do, unless they come from people that I appreciate]

if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. [can't give you any piece of advice now]

Keep your old love letters, [I keep only one, the most important one. And it makes me smile and feel special every time I read it, now that I've moved on]

throw away your old bank statements. [I've never seen any of my bank statements]

Stretch [only when I wake up or after jogging]

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life… [I don't feel guilty, I feel confused]

the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, [The interesting ones I know knew at 15 what they eanted to do with their life]

some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. [I never met any of those]

Get plenty of calcium. [After 21 years, I started drinking milk again :)]

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. [I take care of them, they've been torturing me for 10 years when I was a kid. Generally, I think I take care of my body]

Maybe you’ll marry, [I hope I will]

maybe you won’t, [sometimes I think I won't]

maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, [I will raise children, whether I'll give birth to them or if I'll adopt them]

maybe you’ll divorce at 40, [divorces are one of the things that frighten me the most]

maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary… [chances are I won't live that long]

whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much [I'm only doing it with my best friends... The famous "I'm so proud of myself"]

or berate yourself either [I'm doing it less and less after I found about the power of my mind in a class on cognitive and behavioural coaching]

your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. [I got that]

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own [I'm not using it to it's full potential]

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. [This makes me happy every time I'm trying it]

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. [If they're not too long or too boring, I usually read them and most of the times I follow them]

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. [I don't. It's the first thing I started doing after I listened Sunsreen 4 years ago]

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. [checked]

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. [no siblings :(]

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. [I have a few very valuable friendships I hold on to]

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. [long live Skype, gmail, Facebook and Wizzair]

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. [Not done]

Travel. [I started. I took a break this year, but I think I have the energy to do it again next year]

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. [I already started saying "When I was young..."]

Respect your elders. [I do]

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. [For now, my parents still support me]

Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. [I plan to be financially independent starting with July 2010]

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. [I take care of it and it's pretty nice and healthy]

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. [most of the times, I'm hearing them, not actually listening]

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. [I try to remember that when I start giving pieces of advice to the ones around me. I'm still giving too many pieces of advice instead of asking questions and listening to them]

But trust me on the sunscreen… [I trust you, especially after this summer when I had the sunscreen with me every single day on the working site and I didn't get any sun burns]

Din tren

Cand eram mica, imi doream sa fiu scriitor. Sa pot sa scriu povesti fascinante, in care cititorii mei sa se piarda si pe care sa le tina minte o viata intreaga. Cand eram mica, incercam sa scriu. Dar am crescut si am hotarat ca nu sunt suficint de buna si nici suficient de ambitioasa incat sa muncesc din greu pentru a deveni buna. Asa ca am abandonat. Din cand in cand, redevin mica si imi doresc sa fiu scriitor. Azi e unul din acele momente.

Sunt in trenul care ma poarta incet incet de la Bacau la Bicaz. Sunt inconjurata de pretutindeni de infinite nuante de verde. Oamenii nici macar nu se vad. Trec absenti, grabiti, ingrijorati. Ramane numai frumusetea verdelui, lumina covarsitoare a fulgerelor si zgomotul zguduitor al tunetelor. Stropii de apa au incetat sa se mai loveasca brutal de fereastra personalului. Acum sunt prea demni, prea multi, prea puternici. Se vad ca o perdea care ma protejeaza si ma expune in acelasi timp naturii.

Simt cum aerul rece patrunde in compartiment si ma poarta cu amintirile spre vremurile copilariei, cu ploi lungi, indelung asteptate si foi mari de tutun. Privesc spre dealurile impadurite si pasunile de fan, dar ma vad pe mine din trecut, pe mine din vis. Deja a incetat sa mai fie o banala calatorie cu trenul. A devenit o modalitate de a restabili legatura dintre mine si mine. A depasit cotidianul si lumescul, a devenit o poarta spre visare si ideal...

Ma pierd cu gandurile si amintirile in fiecare din imaginile care mi se succed in fata ochilor. Ascult cu atentie muzica ploii, a tastelor si a trenului – melodie pe care demult imi doream sa o aud, dar ce care nu-mi imaginam ca ma voi bucura atat.

Drumurile au mereu magia lor. Cel de azi m-a facut sa redevin mica si sa imi doresc sa fiu scriitor.

Houses

People & their lives are just like house owners & their house.

Some throw a big party and everyone is invited, no matter how messy things might get, no matter how destroyed everything is afterwards. Others are a bit more cautius. They invite only a few people and they are very formal, as if they're testing the neighbours to see if they are good enough for the house. There are also some people that just leave the front door open for anybody that is curious to come in. Usually, they also have a back door that is open at all times, so that nobody stays for too long. And let's not forget about the ones that simply lock their house and won't open to anybody. They might go pay some visits to others' place, but they almost never let anybody in.

But by far, I think the most interesting people are the ones that never seems to be at home and leave the door unlocked every now and then. Those houses look simply amazing and intriguing. The best part is that you never know what you're gonna get when you arrive. Sometimes, the door won't open and sometimes the owner waits for you with backed cookies. Most of the times he/she will be outside on the porch and will offer you a warm smile or you'll have an insignificant chit chat. It's not actually worth coming back, but for some reason you simply can't resist and you come back over and over again. You always hope that next time you'll get to see more of the mysterious house. At some point, maybe you will. Or maybe you won't. It's a risk you have to take. Till when? Only the house owner can tell, but (s)he's never saying anything about this.

I'm done waiting for a chance to see more. I move on. I'll look for some other interesting houses & house owners. But just so you know, I'll come back when you'll invite me.

Very, very, very random

Somes scared me today. It looked so angry and the scent was awful. I thought it'll swallow me if I don't run faster on the bridge. I want to be a lamb cause I'll be cute & curly & I'll have four legs to touch the ground. The red cherries on a white plate are the most beautiful thing you can bring for midday, indoor picnic If I were a lamp, I would love to be forgotten on a boat near a lake. I would have endless conversations with the water, the wind and the polite fishes.

Beautiful day

Some days are sad, some are overwhelming, some are interesting, some are ok and some are simply beautiful. Yesterday was more than happy Thursday, it was beautiful Thursday. The ingredients? A training on leadership with some AHA moments, a late lunch with a person I'm still discovering, a challenging walk on Cetatuie (not all skirts are compatible with the rocks, the steps and the nettles) with a surprising person that shared my passion for NGOs, social entrepreneurship and Buenos Aires and then a walk in the park.

Yesterday was about beauty, about surprising things, about new places in Cluj, about people with whom I have a good time, about new ideas and old dreams. All these made me appreciate my life in Cluj even more and be grateful one more time I decided to stay here and not run away...

Happiness is just around the corner. All I have to do is walk towards it.

Really proud of TOASTMASTERS

Yesterday was a bad day. I always have a bad day before an exam if I don't feel prepared. I really didn't feel like going out of my room. I just wanted to sleep the day away (and today as well). But since I had a role in Toastmasters meeting, I had to go. So put I on my favourite skirt and I went. And it was amazing!

By far, it was the best meeting I attended. We had an amazing toastmaster (the host of the meeting) that set the new standard for how a toastmaster should be, really funny topics for table topics session (I was laughing so much I could barely speak) and good speeches. I stayed somewhere in the back, observing everything & everyone. I simply loved what I saw! I'm pretty sure that from now on we'll continue having the same high quality meetings, maybe with even more members.

I'm still smiling & feeling proud of Toastmasters! Definitely, joining it it was one of the best decisions I made this year :)

Do you know?

Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much I need you in my life? Do you know you make me smile? Do you know how much I appreciate you? Do you know I envy you? Do you know I pray for you every night? Do you know you are my role models? Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know that just seeing you makes my day? Do you know how grateful I am for having you in my life? Do you know you inspire me? Do you know how deeply sorry I am for everything I did? Do you know I'm waiting for you?

Most probably all these "you" are not reading my blog and most probably some of them don't even know how often I think about them nor what I think about them. Tonight I was in a very weird mood... I didn't feel like talking to anybody, I panicked for a kind of stupid reason, I remembered and decided to forget some things, but more than anything I thought about the important persons in my life, whether they are still around or not...

For all the important "you" in my life (just hoping that at some point I'll be able to say it or prove in a way you'll understand)...

20th May

Today is a special day.

About a month ago I decided that 20th May is the deadline by which I establish what I will do during the summer time. And guess what? I already made up my mind. And it's quite related to what I've been doing for the past 3 summers: something related to internationalism and volunteering. This time, it will not be abroad and it will not be related to AIESEC. It's in Cluj and it's about Habitat for Humanity (http://habitatcluj.ro ). I'm pretty excited about this, as volunteering for HFH (especially the building houses part) is one of my bucket list items :)

Besides this, in July I will spend some time at home and I'll go to Cerna. Oh... and I will go for 1 weekend to the seaside with one of the persons I love the most (when you read this, remember it & clear a weekend :D).

It's gonna be a nice summer :)

Spring time :)

This is a really short post, to remind me later on that my life is nice and shiny :)

I love this spring! The people around me are amazing, the ones I love are close to me, I am doing interesting new things and having so meaningful conversations! And there are soooo many things to do in Cluj!!!

I love this spring! It's the best one in years!

Cu sufletul intr-un loc frumos

"Datorita unui sistem politic in care absolventii de facultate erau repartizati conform mediei, preferintelor si starii civile mai ales in orase mici – mai aproape sau mai departe de familie -, parintii mei au ajuns pe la mijlocul anilor 80 in Calarasi – o urbe pe malul Borcei, la o aruncatura de bat de Dobrogea si Bulgaria. Datorita aceluiasi sistem politic in care proaspetele mamici aveau dreptul numai la trei luni de concediu postnatal, am ajuns sa imi petrec mare parte a copilariei in Cerna – o comuna pierduta prin Muntii Macinului in care am trait poate cele mai frumoase clipe de pana acum, in care am facut descoperiri fundamentale despre mersul naturii si firea oamenilor... Dar nu va temeti! Nu o sa va port intr-o calatorie autobiografica! Am vrut doar sa intelegeti de ce va voi introduce Dobrogea – un tinut al campiilor insorite, al dealurilor cernute de vant, al muntilor tociti de curgerea vremii, al oraselor care se inalta pe ruinele unor cetati ale caror inceputuri se pierd in negura timpului..

Probabil ma veti acuza de o puternica legatura sentimentala cu acest tinut si din aceasta cauza, de partinire. Aveti dreptate in privinta legaturii emotionale, dar nu a si partinirii. Permiteti-mi sa va port in urmatoarele minute intr-o scurta calatorie imaginara in cele mai frumoase si semnficative locuri ale Dobrogei. Dupa ce ma veti fi ascultat si mai ales dupa ce o veti fi vizitat, vom relua discutia despre partinire.

Sa incepem cu Manastirea Dervent – complex monahal care sfideaza cu indrazneala pustietatea din jur. Nu e doar o cetate obisnuita, e o fortareata a crestinismului pe care Sfantul Apostol Andrei l-a sadit pe meleaguri romanesti inca din primele veacuri. Manastirea e o cetate in care atunci cand vom intra vom abandona macar pentru cateva clipe scepticismul, cinismul sau lipsa de credinta ce ne incearca mai mult sau mai putin pe fiecare din noi. Intram intr-un un loc sacru in care Icoana Maicii Domnului facatoare de minuni, Sfintele Cruci si Izvorul Tamaduirii ne aduc atat de aproape de starea de liniste sufleteasca si implinire dupa care la un moment dat cu toti tanjim.

Incarcati de aceasta stare pasnica, ne putem continua calatoria prin Dobrogea spre un loc incarcat de istorie – “Biserica Omului” sau Adamclisi – dupa denumirea turca de care am auzit cu totii. Ce vom gasi acolo? Un oarecare turist ar spune ruine in pustietate. Dar un adevarat calator il va asculta pe domnul Ene – fostul cadru militar care, din pasiune pentru tinutul Dobrogei a devenit de ani buni ghidul monumentului. Si ascultand povestea lui, vom recompune in imaginatia noastra viata in cetatea getica cucerita cu greu de romani sau construirea monumentui Tropaeum Traiani.

Intelegand tainele de la Adamclisi, nu putem decat sa ne continuam calatoria in Dobrogea. Si desi stiu ca ati fi tentati sa ne indreptam spre litoral, as vrea sa va indemn spre nordul tinutului, in Muntii Macinului, sa descoperim parcul national unde se intersecteaza flora si fauna specifice zonelor balcanice, mediteraneene si caucaziene, unde inca se mai pastreaza traditiile si limba aromana, unde peisajul iti ia rasuflarea. In acest punct al calatoriei noastre, destinatia e mai putin importanta – rasplata adevarata este drumul in sine prin paduri, dealuri,stane si asezari intinse. Daca parasim soseaua asfaltata si ne incumetam la o drumetie printre lanurile de grane si randurile de vita de vie ajungem in varful muntilor tociti, un loc aproape pustiu in care ne putem reculege, putem reflecta sau visa la urmatoarea destinatie.

Evident, calatoria nu se opreste aici. Mai sunt atat de multe de descoperit! Dar toate celelalte minuni o sa va las sa le experimentati atunci cand veti vizita frumosul tinut al Dobrogei. Trebuie doar sa va deschideti simturile si sa va bucurati de fiecare minut pentru ca oamenii, peisajele, istoria si freamatul vietii va vor purta intr-o calatorie pe care nu o veti niciodata. "

Recitindu-mi acest discurs, mi s-a facut dor de duca, dor de drumul intortocheat si padurea verde, dor de Cerna, dor de stat pe prispa, dor de paine pe vatra, dor de citit la amiaza si de insirat tutun in dimineti ploioase...

Falling in love

I'm falling in love. The stupid smile, the shivers, the optimism... I'm falling in love with the city. In my eyes, Cluj is now more beautiful than ever. It seems that everything is here: the lifestyle I want, the persons that make me laugh, the persons with whom I can have an enjoyable and stimulating conversations, the lake near my dorm, the tea places, the books, the nature.

I want to live here at least until July 2011. I want to make my living here worth. I'm not the same person I was in the past 3 years. I grew up (though for some this may seem hard to believe ) and now I believe that all my roles represent me, not only the ones that take the most of time/energy. One of my roles, "Project Silvia" role is the one that's pushing me towards discovering the city and the rest of my personality simply falls in love with what I discover.

I am satisfied with my life now! What an amazing feeling!

People and shoe collections

You spend so much time and money on shoes, but on a daily basis you can only wear a few pairs of shoes according to the environment and your activities. If you're a lucky one, you have an innate sense of what and when to wear; but if you're not (and most of us are not), you'll have to educate your taste. This takes time and while learning most probably you'll destroy your image a few times.

Sometimes you have a crush on some pairs of shoes and you like them so much that you only wear those shoes. Sometimes your feet hurt so badly, that you can only put on some pairs of shoes, no matter if they fit the rest of your world or not. Sometimes you know that some pairs fit you amazingly even if the others tell you they look really badly. Sometimes you buy some shoes that you'll never wear, but only try them from time to time when you're alone. Sometimes you wear some pairs so much that eventually you cann't wear them anylonger, so you throw away some of them or you just keep them as good old memories. Sometimes you take care of your shoes, but sometimes you just don't feel like cleaning them straight away (but when you do it eventually, you always wish you'd done it sooner). Sometimes you forget about some pairs that are well hidden in your closet and when you finally find them back, you have to figure out if they still fit you or not. Sometimes you miss wearing some pairs and you just can't put them on when you wish or as you wish because they're not close enough. Sometimes you buy tones of pairs at once and sometimes you just can't find something you like. Sometimes you reinvent some pairs of shoes. Sometimes you don't even pay attention to what you're wearing and sometimes you spend hours choosing the right ones. Sometimes you invite other people to see your shoe collection, but the visit takes too long and most of them simply go back home (but some precious few stay and you should cherish those). Sometimes you spend your time doing an inventory so that you know them better, remember and rearrange them.

But never, ever you can wear all your shoes one day. And never, ever anyone will know all your shoes the way you know them.

Every person is just like a shoe collection.

Home again

Tomorrow I'm going back to Cluj. I stayed home ten days. And I was happy most of the time (anyhow, way happier than the last few times when I came home to heal my wounds). Why? For a few simple reasons:

• I realised that I know some pretty amazing persons (I'm soooo proud of one my highschool friends)
• I read one book in one day (I enjoy reading so intensely because it's one of the very few activities when something else than me or my memories is the center of my thoughts)
• I visited Cerna - my small piece of heaven
• The trees were blooming
• Shopping with mom
• Eating quince jam, cheese with radishes and greeen onions
• I stayed away from some persons
• Nice conversation with mamaia
• A new idea about my future just hit me (it's only an idea, not a plan; by 1st July I'll see if it's a plan or it was just an idea). And my mom totally supports me on this one (actually if I do it, I'll turn one of her dreams into reality) :) :) :)

Home again! Home it's far from being perfect (actually it's far from being protected from bad things), but it's the center of my comfort zone, the place that gives me energy and that I cherish a lot more since I came back from Lithuania. Home again!

Smiley me!

Small piece of heaven

This Easter was simply perfect! Cerna and all the family, all the nieces and nephews, the aunts, the air, the food, the goats, the scenery! I missed it so much and I am so happy we went there. By far, it was the best thing that could have happened to me, to mom, to dad!

I am unbelievably grateful to have the family I have and to be the aunt of 12 simply amazing kids (even if one of them is only 1 year younger than me)!

Calarasi

Am ajuns in Calarasi acum cateva ore. Si totul e la fel. La fel cum era acum 1 luna, acum 1 an, acum 5 ani. Timpul a stat in loc in casa mea. Si e bine. Cu siguranta aici e centrul zonei mele de confort, locul de unde imi iau energie si speranta. Aici fug de restul lumii, fug de tot ceea ce nu imi place sau ma doare, fug de esecuri si de neimpliniri. In ultimele 3 luni am venit prea des acasa. Am fugit prea mult. Sper ca acum sa fie ultimul popas.

Masina s-a stricat in august si acum e in sfarsit reparata. Eu de ce nu as fi la fel?

Amanunte

Mi-am luat o cana cu 2 nuante jumate de verde si infuzor impreuna cu ceai verde cu aroma de ananas. La magazin i-am cerut doamnei un ceai care sa ma faca sa zambesc si-mi place ce mi-am ales.
Azi a fost a treia zi cand am iesit sa alerg in jurul lacului. A fost mai putin dureros decat datile trecute si ceva mai placut.
Aseara am mancat bomboane cu arahide si in miez de noapte, cartofi fierti.
Azi m-am hotarat ca voi reincepe sa ma uit la How I Met Your Mother.
In 14 ore voi fi la Calarasi.
Am probleme de comunicare cu Clementina, Toto si Leady... cred ca ne asteapta o despartire sau cel putin o pauza.
Pe geam se vad din ce in ce mai multe nuante de verde.

Life is weird

Ever since I left home I'm looking for home. I'm looking for a place/an environment/something where I belong, where I feel safe, where from I get my energy. I've been looking for this place in a building, in some people, in other countries, in other cities. Somehow, it didn't appear. And now, in a very weird way, I feel at home. It's hard to explain why. At first, I wanted to do it. But now I understand that there's no point in trying. It's way better to be aware and enjoy it!

5 years from now...

How will your life look like 5 years from now?

I've heard this question so many times! I tried to answer it so many times! And now I gave up. I'm still exploring the world around me, my options, my possibilities, myself. And almost every day I discover something new. So I will not think about how my life will look like 5 years from now. I will only focus on my feelings.

5 years from now, guess what... I want to be happy! Right now, a happy 27 years old Silvia loves her job, started her family, has her few precious friends around her, travels and discoveres the world, makes a difference in others' life.

I'm curious how will happy 27 years old Silvia will actually look like...

Silvia's laws

I call them laws. It may not be the best word for them, but it's the one I like the most. They are a mix of proven facts, pieces of advice and randomness. They started as 2, continued as 4, one of them was updated and then the 5th one arrived. They are always in my mind and from time they help me control my reactions or make some decisions. Oh... and they are quite famous around the world (even made it to New Zeeland:P). I think now it's time to oficially introduce them (in chronological order):

1. All beautiful men have a problem with their nose.

2. The moment you stop comparing is the moment you start being happy.

3. All decisions have positive and negative consequences.

4. Make sure you build yourself a beautiful present!

5. Actions have consequences.

Analyzing a bit my history with these words, I would say that law number 1 applies every time (from my point of view); law number 2 is the one that is the hardest to put in practice and that comes as AHA moment too late, almost all the time; law number 3 is the one that brings me confort and makes me feel better about myself; law number 4 is the second hardest to put in practice, but I'm working on it quite hard and I am trying to educate my mind to enjoy every moment, every day; law number 5 is always in my mind and guides me every day, makes me more rational and develops my long term thinking (for all these reasons, it became law number 5).

Fresh from the oven

OPS track in Spring SIMS 2010 ended 20 minutes ago. It was definitely one of the most positive experiences I ever had: the facis were great, I worked unbelievably well with Boz (my capricorn agenda manager), the delegates were the right people, the venue is simply amazing and AIESEC Slovenia an incredible AIESEC country.

We started with 8 delegates, but today we lost 2 of them, so we ended with 6. 6 people in whom I believe, 6 people that will have extraordinary X experiences, 6 people that got the most out of this conference, that were genuinely intrested in what X means. I was so used to begging people to like X, to go in X and this conference made me realise that my attitude is wrong. People should not be begged to have this experience. If they are the right ones, they will realise it once you are presenting the program. And those are the people that take the most out of their X. I am extremly confident that our delegates will have a life changing experience, will grow and will learn.

I am happy I decided to come and I am even happier that I decided to enjoy it and be true to myself. It was a conference in my rythm, with great conversations, laughter, prepared sessions, amazing chair (Lauri -current MCP of Estonia, MCPe Cambodgia).

And as I said in the closing of my track, thank you for making me fall in love again with X.

SIMS will have a special place in my memories and my heart...

No more there

"If you never lose your desire to wander, you belong". It was a comercial I saw in Oslo airport. These words got stuck in my mind and I'm coming back to them every once in a while. Since I arrived in Slovenia, I started thinking again about it, about what I want for my future. I thought I knew what I wanted, but this conference made me question it. And after two days of pictures, visions, objectives, what ifs and many others, I realised that I can only enjoy here and now if I know I have a home to go back to. I realised that I'm more attached to Romania than I show it. I realised that I like AIESEC Romania.

So I lost my desire to wander. It feels a bit weird, as if a part of me just disappeared. I feel home in Cluj and Calarasi, I'd rather spend 12 hours to get from my dorm room to my green room than spend 2 hours in an airplane from my dorm room to a random couch/hostel bed somewhere in Europe. I belong home.

At peace with myself

Beautiful place

Right now I'm taking a look on the window and I can see the snow glittering. I am in an amazing place in Slovenia, a ski resort called Pohorje (or something similar). This is by far the most amazing confernce venue I've seen: the mountains, the fresh air, the internet that is working really, really well, the food, the arhitecture... It's such a peaceful place! And more than that, I am surrounded by really amazing people. I don't know how the delegates will be (I'll get to know them in 1 hour), but the faci team is definitely what I expected :)

And you know what's the most unbelievable thing? In a spring conference with 50 delegates in a country that has around 100 members there are people from 8 countries. Truely international... an environment where I feel just like home :)

My exchange experience

Today I finally sent my exchange evaluation to my host LC. Today I met someone that was in a student exchange programme in Siauliai. So today I decided that it's the moment to look back and think about my exchange experience.

If I were to describe it in one word, I would shut up. Because I need more than one word to explain my face expression. It's a mix of AHA moments, sadness, joy, learning process, amazing people and regret. I learned so much about myself during my time in Siauliai and I continued this self discovery process even when I came back. My relationship with my parents became so much closer. I met a few great persons with whom I connected and with whom I felt unbelievably comfortable. I visited Roxi in Norway. I visited all the Baltic capitals. I fell in love with training. I pushed my limits. I adapted. And in the same time, I lost what I love(d) the most.

Looking back, I realise that this experience was like a really bad and efficient vaccine: it hurts when you're taking it, but on the long run it keeps you here.

Later edit:

My exchange experience doesn't end here. Tonight, while preparing my sessions for OPS, I realized I am still in love with this idea. And I will have my wonderful experience, just like I want it! I still have 33 months :) So enough about what it was... I started thinking about the future (after all, I am a person that lives for the future). I started thinking about that amazing intersnhip that will provide me the experience that I want. I will not settle for so so memories when it comes to X and to organization where I grew and developed as a person. I will have a great X. Because now I know what I need in order to be happy, what are my limits. I usually need a second chance to get things right (when it comes to people, jobs, hairstyles, etc). And it's so easy to get my second chance with X.

I'm in love with X experiences, with creating them, preparing people for them. I will be in love with my X experience! I made up my mind!

Shut up?!

Last night, on my way to Ljubljana, I passed through Croatia. Nothing special so far. Nothing special that the police officers were checking our passports. Nothing special that the police officers looked grumpy. But there were some special things...

At first, it was the way they were checking the train. They were opening the ceiling and looking for persons/drugs/whatever. Secondly, the guy that checked my documents knew a few words in Romanian (pasaport, buletin, valuta), which was a surprise (. And last, but not least, the way he was talking to me. I was asked for my passport and then for my ID and if I had any money. I understood why they were asking for passport and the amount of money, but why my national ID? And because I really don't like to be confused, I asked why is he asking for my ID. The answer: "This is Croatian police. SHUT UP!". Whaaaaaaaat? Why did he behave like this? SInce when a position is an answer to anything? And why couldn't he say something like: "I am authorised to ask for your documents" or "This is the normal procedure". Why did he had that threatening and almost hateful look?

Still pissed.

Today

I want to remember today. I want to remember what I did, how I felt, the conversations I had.

I want to remember that today I turned into reality a dream that I had since I was 17, that of volunteering for Habitat for Humanity. It was simply amazing. I don't know how important it was for the others, but for me it really made a difference. I felt I was part of something more important, something bigger. It was challenging, pretty fun and I discovered another passionate person about volunteering.

I want to remember that today I was appreciated by a person I truely like and respect. Today I realised that even if there are some people with whom I'm not compatible and that don't acknowledge my value, there are some that see the good part in me.

I will remember today!

Killing drama queen

Thank God I was given a functional brain! Otherwise, I would be stuck forever with my inner drama queen - the most annoying person in my world. It's unbvelievable how a drama queen moment can ruin an entire day or a celebration. So I decided to kill her (I mean me, that part of me). Taking the decision wasn't hard; implementing it, on the other hand... (does this sound familiar?)

First step: figure out when DQ (Drama Queen) is at her best. What she likes, when she likes to appear, her favourite way of acting. Step number two: figure out who can control DQ (the list was pretty surprising). Step number three: figure out what DQ hates (now, that was challenging since most of the things/people that can make DQ disappear are not in my control). Step number four: create a strategy (a really, really simple one that can be easily tracked). Step number five: enjoy the process and the result.

Right now, I have my strategy. It's unbelievably simple. It's called admiting the truth. Simply amazing. Finding the power to tell myself the truth (especially concerning my feelings, fears and expectation) is really working. I had this revelation on Thursday, in Carturesti when I was almost crying for a really stupid reason. And I had it again on Saturday night, when I was crying again for the same really stupid reason. And I had it again on Monday night, when I saw 2 beautiful, weird snowdrops in an abandoned yard (and on Monday I wasn't crying anymore). I know that for some people (actually I hope that for most people) my revelation seems unimportant as they are used to doing it, but for me it's something pretty big. And I'm glad it finally happenned. The benefits are way larger than just killing my inner drama queen.

Actually, I'm not killing her because sometimes her outburts can be funny and entertaining. I'm just killing her when it comes to people and important stuff (on the other hand, I'm really bad with setting priorities and almost everything is important for me)... Drama queen, I'm over you! It's time for a new chapter!

Invata de la toate

Invata de la ape sa ai statornic drum,
Invata de la flacari ca totu-i numai scrum,
Invata de la umbra sa taci si sa veghezi,
Invata de la stanca cum neclintit sa crezi.

Invata de la soare cum trebuie s-apui,
Invata de la piatra cat trebuie sa spui,
Invata de la vantul ce-adie pe poteci
Cum trebuie prin lume de linistit sa treci.

Invata de la toate, caci toate sunt surori,
Cum treci frumos prin viata, cum poti frumos sa mori
Invata de la vierme ca nimeni nu-i uitat,
Invata de la nufar sa fii mereu curat.

Invata de la vultur cand umerii ti-s grei
Si du-te la furnica sa vezi povara ei
Invata de la greier cand singur esti, sa canti
Invata de la luna sa nu te inspaimanti.

Invata de la pasari sa fii mai mult in zbor,

Invata de la toate ca totu-i trecator.

Ia seama, fiu al jertfei prin lumea-n care treci,

Sa-nveti din tot ce piere, tu sa traiesti in veci!

Friday night

Snowflakes on a March Friday night is like falling in love on a summer Friday night. It's beautiful, it's surprising, it's innocent, it makes me happy and more positive, it makes me ignore anything else around me, it's almost like a dream.

Snowflakes on a March Friday night is like falling in love on a summer Friday night. They both last too little. They both make me a bit sad in the end. And they both leave great memories and peace.

Frustari de voluntar

In ultimii 5-6 ani, am experimentat de nenumarate ori sentimentul de frustare. De fiecare data cand am fost implicata intr-o actiune de voluntariat, am fost mai mult sau mai putin frustrata: de oamenii cu care lucram, de felul in care imi indeplineam sau nu imi indeplineam sarcinile, de cultura organizationala, de cum se purtau ceilalti cu mine, de cum ma purtam eu cu ceilalti, de mesajele subliminale sau modul de comunicare. Motive gasesc oricand (cred ca e ceva predispozitie genetica sa fiu nemultumita de realitatea din jur). Din fericire, gasesc si metode de a transforma frustarea in ceva constructiv... dar numai dupa ce am avut ocazia sa o introduc celor din jur :P

Mai nou, am descoperit ca am doua modalitati de a ma manifesta: cand iau lucrurile personal si cand nu le iau personal. Cand le iau personal, sunt dezamagita. Si incep sa construiesc incet, incet, dar extrem de perseverent un zid tare solid intre mine si persoana/organizatia respectiva. E un zid pe care pana acum nu l-am construit prea sus... inca il mai pot sari, dar cu eforturi. Si cum eu sunt mai lenesa din fire, eforturile le fac numai pentru motive bine intemeiate. Dar mai e si varianta de manifestare in care nu iau lucrurile personal. Si atunci sunt tare amuzanta. Imi exersez toate cunostintele in materie de interjectii, riduri de expresie si gesturi ciudatele.

Off! frustarile astea!!!! mai ales frustrari de voluntar cand iti dai seama ca schimbarea nu e asa usor de produs, oamenii lucreaza atat de diferit sau ca lumea altora nu se invarteste in acelasi ritm si dupa aceasi ax ca lumea ta... insa indiferent de motiv, de felul in care se manifesta, frustrarile mele au o origine nobila: imi pasa.

Si pentru ca imi pasa si imi doresc sa reusim (acest noi are atat de multe valente personale si profesionale), trec peste frustrari si le transform in ceva constructiv si util. Trec peste frustrari si devin mai toleranta si mai intelegatoare.

Ally McBeal

I just watched the last episode. Last episode, last season... the end... feeling a bit sad and nostalgic right now.he 5 seasons,

I started watching this TV show because Roxi told me that the end was unexpected. So somehow, all throughout the seasons I was waiting for the end. And it wasn't like I wanted it to be. It wasn't like I hoped for...

During the 5 seasons I had some moments when I identified myself with Ally (very dangerous for my mental health) and some moments when I just felt I was there, with them, in the office or at the bar. And I realised that I would like to work in a very friendly environment, to have a best friend like John Cage, to go to the bar after work, to be good in what I am doing, to be able to connect to people the way she does it. However, I wouldn't like the obsession for getting married and having kids, nor the neurotic boyfriend that just dumps me without saying a word...

I will miss Ally. But it's nice to know that I have her one torrent away :)

Expectations

I expected them to show that they care. I expected to be asked what I want, what I'm doing, what are my plans. I expected to receive at least an email or a phone call. Apparently I expected too much.

I can understand that on a personal level, I may or may not be what they want and need, but on a professional level things are different... I know I have no right to complain. But now I am not complaining. I am only disappointed. And I do have the right to be disappointed, because I was "raised" in a different culture...

Laughing

I just found this picture here and I'm still laughing. I just love it! Definitely made my day :)

Prieteni

"Nu mai pleca asa departe si asa de des, ca-ti pierzi anturajul si prietenii"
"Daca sunt prieteni care sa fie acolo o viata intreaga, o sa-i mai gasesc cand ma intorc. Daca nu, o sa imi fac alti prieteni"

2 replici dintr-o discutie cu matusa mea preferata. 2 replici care exprima o ambitie pe care am creat-o acum 8 ani, o ambitie care intre timp a devenit un principiu de viata (destul de des aplicat).

Cred in prietenii la distanta. Indiferent unde in lume sau in tara vom fi. Mi-e dor si drag de voi.

Feelings

My snowdrops are smiling at me and at my week.

I feel that the last seven days have been a long walk in a beautiful place. I feel as if I'm on a blanket in a field of flowers and I am listening to the wind. I feel as if a part of me started flying. I feel at peace. I am calm. I smile. I enjoy.

Timpul meu ARE rabdare.

High heels

I never liked high heels. I found (and still find) them uncomfortable, sometimes painful and most of the times stopping me from doing all kind of things (such as running, jumping, being silent). Even so, I feel completely irresistible when I put on high heels. I feel so elegant, so beautiful, so feminine... simply amazing!

I know that once you get used to something, the negative feelings tend to disappear, so lately I started putting on high heels. And it wasn't very bad as long as I was walking, dancing or doing any other activity. But sometimes I had to stop because I stumbeled upon some chairs and I was tired so I just couldn't say no. After a break, no matter is it's seconds or hours, I just couldn't continue walking with my high heels. I had to go home, take a shower, get a foot massage and then go to sleep. In the morning everything was OK and I could put on the high heels again. The only problem here is that the way home was sometimes too long, I got lost, the high heels wewre hurting and I couldn't walk barefoot as it was even more painful.

But somehow, I always made it home. And somehow, I always woke up the next day ready to put on the high heels one more time. And somehow, I started to avoid the chairs by changing my way, not my destination...

High heels are a funny thing in my life :)

Some smart stuff

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" - Mark Twain.

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance" - Derek Curtis Bok

"If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it" - Andy Rooney

"Jenny, the wrong ones can't hurt you. It's the right ones... they're the killers" Ally McBeal

"My head is full.
It's called thinking. Go with it." Meredith Grey

These things are on my mind these days...

Miroase a primavara

Ieri cerul era de un albastru tupeist. Indiferent de cat de gri si labartati erau norii, cerul acela proaspat si plin de viata, impreuna cu cate o raza de soare (mai mult sau mai putin discreta) tot reuseau sa patrunda pana la umilii muritori si sa le creasca depozitul de speranta.

Ieri mirosea a zambile si ghiocei. Demult nu am mai vazut atat de multa intensitate in frumusetea din centimetrii patrati ai vaselor din florariile de la coltul strazii.

Azi e un soare atat de puternic incat se foloseste de norii albi ce il acopera intocmai ca de o oglinda. E din ce in ce mai multa lumina si simt din ce in ce mai multa caldura.

Azi adie un vant discret cu o poveste frumoasa pe care o poti auzi numai daca ii asculti cum trebuie tacerea.

Azi miroase a primavara!

Books and lifestyle

I was reading an article about books and it made me think again about my ideal world.

In my perfect world, I would live in BCU just like a princess... But I'm not a princess and I can't afford to buy/rent BCU in real world, so I'll stick to doing what I can do. I can change my way of treating my books. Right now, the very few books I have in Cluj are in a box quite dusty and ignored. I don't really use them anymore because they are mainly the ones I used for my final thesis on CSR and some on learning foreign languages. But they deserve more respect.

And because I don't want to be mean and disrespectful anymore, I will start reading books from BCU. Anyway, they are better because they are old, yellow pages and have a great scent. Until I will have a home of my own, I will just borrow books of which I don't have to take care. The moment I start creating my own library will be the moment I decide to settle down. Till then, I will just use public libraries as I can't actually buy or sell a book. It's literally painful for me to buy or sell a book that already has a story, a commitment with another person. Weird me, I know.

Flowers

I love flowers. The ones in the pot, the ones in a vase, the ones on a field, the ones in the garden, the ones in the flower market, all of them! I actually miss the flowers and the old lady near CCS - they were a reason to smile everyday :)

I was thinking these days to buy an azalea, but I realised that I won't be in Cluj very much my mid April, so I'd better postpone this if I want my azalea to be alive. But if I were to buy a flower in a pot, her name would be Irina.

Spring is almost here! So many flowers, so many beautiful scents, so many colours! So many reasons to smile just because I am here, now!

3 din 3

Imi place ziua de 22 februarie. Am avut o zi foarte faina, exact asa cum imi doream :)
Cele 3 obiective ale zilei:
- 10 la examenul de conta (luat)
- faci la SIMS in Slovenia (da!!!!!!!!!!! pe trackul de OPS :p)
- VP Membership in Toastmasters Cluj (yep, that's me)

Sunt entuziasmata!!! Imi place de mor sentimentul asta :)
Cateodata, parca toate stelele si eforturile se aliniaza :)

Foreign languages

When two people speak two different languages and they want to communicate, most of the times at least one of them will need to use a foreign language. Most of the times it takes years to become proficient in a different communication code. Of course, in order to have a successful conversation, you don't always need to be proficient, but you need at least an upper medium level.

For some is easier to learn a new language, but for some is not that easy. And the latter get lost in translation so many times! And they try to learn to from their mistakes, but they think they learnt their lesson and actually they didn't. So they end up doing the same mistakes over and over again. And then what happens to the communication process? It has so many bugs that the natives get frustrated or worse they become indifferent. Of course, there are plenty of solutions. But maybe sometimes people just don't want to find solutions when it comes to their comfort zone...

Of course, you can practice on your own and when you feel confident enough you can start talking to the natives... Maybe on the long run this is a better option than making mistakes all over again and instead of building a connection destroying it little by little...

small reminder

I forgot it's about what I choose. I forgot I have no right to feel hurt. I forgot I have no right to offend the others when I am hurt. I forgot that if I want to change, I need to want this and do this ewveryday. I forgot I am the one in charge with my feelings.

So this post is here to remind me. To remind me I am comfortable with my life now. To remind me that I am strong. To remind me that I need to be better. To remind me that the past belongs to the past.

:(

It's Sunday. I hate being alone on Sundays. It makes me feel lonely.

Duminica dimineata

M-am trezit cu 5 minute inainte sa sune ceasul (ce bine e!!! ma simt de parca as fi castigat o lupta esentiala cu cel mai mare inamic al meu- alarma de la telefon). Se anunta o zi buna, cel putin pana deschid geamul si ma incearca o senzatie de confuzie. Sentimentul in sine nu ar fi atat de important, cat mai ales intensitatea lui. E doar o dimineata care miroase a vant de primavara si-n care cativa fulgi mici si rataciti au decis sa iasa la o plimbare absolut haotica prin Clu. De ce las miscarea asta browniana a fulgilor sa ma afecteze atat de tare si sa ma simt confuza? Offff! Acum sunt si mai confuza...

Poate pentru ca asociez fulgisorii cu gandurile mele. Cu cat vorbesc mai mult cu oameni, cu cat le ascult mai povestile, cu atat se produc mai multe conexiuni, vin mai multe idei si se cimenteaza anumite credinte. Ieri a fost o zi importanta in progresul constructiei mele mentale :)

Job or no job?

I was thinking these days about my future. Only about my future. Because I finally moved on. The first question was "Should I get a job or no?" The question was simple, the answer on the other hand... I know why I wanted a job before, but now? Do I want to commit to it? Do I feel prepared? Do I trust myself? Even more questions than answers... I really needed an external facilitator for this conversation between me and myself. And this facilitator came in a really weird form: a couple of hours with the girls in Starbucks. And I found my answer:

"My dream job is related to lifelong learning and my dream master is the one in Copenhagen. This is what I want to do at least for the next 10 years".

So, right now I am looking for opportunities to develop myself as a trainer and involve in educational projects. I know what I want. I have 10 days to draw the plan and then 1 year to stick to it. As for the question in the title, I realized that right now a job is not an objective. Is just a tool to help me get where I want. A tool that doesn't seem to be the best choice for now. I will reevaluate the situation in April, when I will know if the other tools I chose have chosen me :P

Today was a good day... my 2 main worries are in the "problem solved" drawer.

Remembering KAUNAS

The most amazing weekend I had when I was in Lithuania was the one in Oslo, with Roxi :) The second best was the one in Kaunas.

After one of the most interesting bus rides with a crazy ex Catholic priest that wanted to visit me in Cluj, I arrived in Kaunas. My first impressions... horrible weather, comunist bus station... not very promissing, but still better than staying alone in Siauliai without Adisor (my beloved first laptop love). And then I saw Justinas and Christine waiting for me. Nice :) We went to visit the city, had a cup of tea in a great place, saw the 2 rivers and the park, freezed to death and then back to Christine's place (my home for that night). 2 other AIESECers joined us and we ended up talking in the kitchen for about 5 or 6 hours. And that was one of te best conversations I had in Lithuania. Because it wasn't about guys/girls, it wasn't about AIESEC, it wasn't about ourselves... it was about the world, about traveling, about Soviet Union, about random funny stuff. And the next day was just as nice :) I had breakfast with Christine while discussing economy and cultural differences, then went to visit Evil Museum (really, really, really funny and sometimes scary) and had a great omlet in a Janis like place (I was missing it so much!!!!). When I left Kaunas, I was a little bit sorry. I had such a great time! It felt so natural to be there...

Last night, while talking to the 4 most present persons in my life, I remembered Kaunas and my X... And in my memories, conversations are really important :)

"Arta conversatiei"

E o carte pe nu mi-o aminteam cu exactitate. Imi aminteam numai cat de impresionata am fost dupa ce am citit-o prima data, pe cand aveam 15-16 ani. Ceva mai trecuta prin viata, cu alte ganduri, alte aspiratii, alte sentimente am recitit-o in ultimele zile. Am recitit-o si mi-as dori sa am o memorie atat de fidela incat sa pot cita replici intregi, sa pot retine lectiile de viata pe care le-am gasit in "Arta conversatiei".

E o carte asa cum imi place mie. E o carte cu o poveste a ei: are cotorul rupt si lipit, paginile ingalbenite, mirosul specific al cartilor din biblioteca. E o carte in care este o parte din sufletul meu: usor demodat, usor imbatranit, usor meditativ...

"La inceput a fost viata, apoi a fost tot viata, apoi va fi tot viata"

14 februarie

14 februarie 1987... zi tare speciala pentru mami si tati. Ziua in care s-au casatorit.

14 februarie 1988... zi tare speciala pentru mami si tati. Ziua in care si-au botezat copilul. Ce cadou poate fi mai frumos pentru aniversarea de 1 an a casniciei?

14 februarie 2010... zi tare speciala pentru mami, tati si Silvia. In sfarsit am fost acasa sa sarbatorim impreuna cu un pranz delicios si un tort absolut extraordinar (cu crema caramel - preferata mea si multe, multe, multe fructe)

Ziua de ieri a fost frumoasa. In primul rand pentru ca am inceput-o cu soarele zambindu-mi viclean din spatele jaluzelelor. Apoi, cea mai frumoasa surpriza a zilei: tati ne-a adus flori (atat de frumoase si de rosii). Am continuat prin a citi "Arta conversatiei" (o carte plina de lectii valoroase) si a mai invata cate ceva pentru un examen. In timp ce ma pierdeam printe cuvintele Sanzianei Hangan, am constientizat cele mai frumoase amintiri ale mele, cele doua stari care ma emotioneaza atat de puternic de fiecare cand le evoc chiar si cu un colt de memorie... Cu starea aceasta de frumusete interioara si recunostinta, a urmat un pranz frumos in familie si o vizita la mamaia. Si spre seara, in tren, o discutie cu un drag prieten caruia ii zambeau ochii chiar si prin telefon.

Ieri a fost o zi frumoasa in care mi s-a aratat din nou cat e de frumos sa iubesti. Mi s-a aratat cu ce colectie uimitoare de stari si sentimente vine la pachet un cuvant atat de simplu : "iubire"...

why kids are adorable

Something nice I found here:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”

Candva Hemingway a scris o nuvela in 6 cuvinte: "De vanzare: pantofi de bebelusi, nepurtati!" despre care a declarat ca a fost cea mai buna opera a sa.

Sunt cuvinte care m-au facut sa simt, m-au facut sa imi amintesc si sa judec oameni pe care ii iubesc. Mi-au intiparit pe fata un zambet trist si m-au facut complet incapabila sa privesc pe cineva in ochi... imi spun din nou ca nu e drept...

Am putut sa creez in mintea mea si o poveste relativ frumoasa sau cel putin lipsita de tristete, dar cumva nu pot sa inclin inspre ea. Parca nu ma convinge suficient de mult.

Ce-a vrut sa spuna Hemnigway???

Up or down?

One of the most common questions these days was "How's the weather in Calarasi?". Today I finally came up with a pretty good answer: "It depends where you're looking: up or down. If you take a look up, you'll see a wonderful, intense blue sky, some puffy, small, white clouds and a really smiley, warm, yellow sun. If you look down, you'll see horrible, gray, dirty puddles, you''ll have the feeling of cold, wet feet and most likely dirty jeans or boots".

So today I looked up. And I saw the smiles, the beauty, the yellow sun. Today I ate (again) tea with biscuits, my toes enjoyed the warm wind, my hair looked nice and wavy, I started reading an amazing book (Arta conversatiei), I had a great lunch. Today I'm having a great, positive day. Maybe because the sun was shining, maybe because I started my day thinking about someone very dear to me, maybe because I talked to my cousin or... maybe because I can look on the bright side of life!

Enjoy today! It was the message that I send to that dear person and it is the message that I had with me all day long.

Apatie de iarna

Daca ar fi sa descriu ziua de ieri in cateva cuvinte, ar fi foarte simplu "Nu-mi pasa". Ieri nu am mai fost nici macar trista. Pur si simplu nu-mi pasa. De nimic. Activitatea preferata: uitatul la/prin flori. Nu mi-a placut. In primul rand pentru ca nici macar nu voiam sa ma simt altfel. In al doilea rand pentru ca nu am facut niciun efort sa ma simt altfel. Si in al treilea rand... nu e un al treilea rand, dar parea incompleta enumerarea.

Apatia mea de iarna e meteodependenta. Dupa ce miercuri a fost o zi delicios de alba prin Bucuresti, cu lupte acerbe pentru a-mi pastra echilibrul si a inota prin nameti, ieri a plouat. A plouat mereu, murdar si agasant. A plouat atat de mult si de tare incat nici macar nu am mai vrut sa ma tina in brate... voiam doar sa stau singura, absenta, nepreocupata intr-un colt si sa ma uit la/prin flori. Cred ca apatia de ieri a fost o noua forma de a claca...

O sa incerc sa ma feresc de acum inainte de apatia de iarna. Dar daca cumva tratamentul preventiv cu infuzie de culoare si zambete nu merge, o sa fac rost de echinacea pentru suflete un pic sucite. Si daca nu o gasesc, o sa o cultiv singura si o sa deschid un Plafar pentru alt fel de afectiuni. Asa ca ori ma feresc de apatie de iarna ori devin antreprenor.

One answer, a billion questions

Today's question and answer:
"Imagine this: you can meet for 24 hours a person that would answer any questions you have. More than that, that person would tell you the truth as it is (or at least the truth as she/he sees it). And you can remember that conversation for the rest of your life. You can remember it as it was, not as you felt or as you would have liked it to be... What person would you choose?"

Who would I choose? Right now, without any doubts, I would chose Silvia Georgiana Patrascu. And please bare with me to hear/read the explanation. It's not because I'm a self centered persona. It's because I want to have some answers that would definitely make me a better person. There are some answers that right now I don't really know how to find out.

I think I would ask myself some very simple questions, basically related on how to motivate myself, on my learning style and on my reactions towards the people around me. Oh... and one of the most important questions... what am I good at when it comes to art? So far, I only discovered what I'm not good at. But as Cami said, it is something for me out there (reaching it is the hard part).

I don't want to know all about me, because discovering myself is a pretty interesting journey. But I would definitely love to know a little bit more and to know the truth about myself... Can I do it? Can I have a 1 to 1 conversation with me? Will I have the patience to get the answers? Will I listen to them? One answer and still a billion questions...

Despre blog

Eu pun de obicei multe intrebari. Si de obicei sunt egoista. Iar zilele astea, cand nu am absolut nicio activitate, sunt acasa si totul se invarteste in jurul meu si al dorintelor mele (mai cu seama culinare), imi pun din ce in ce mai multe intrebari. De cele mai multe ori despre mine... ca sa nu par barfitoare si sa imi satisfac nevoia de a fi centrul universului :D

Intrebarea de ieri a fost legata de blogul meu. De ce in ultima luna de postez asa de des? Motivul e foarte simplu. Acum, blogul e partenerul meu de conversatie, e "colega mea de camera". Anul trecut, de prin iulie si pana in decembrie am fost suficient de norocoasa incat sa am niste colege de camera geniale cu care eram perfect compatibila in materie de chestii random. Acum, au disparut colegele de camera si, colac peste pupaza, a disparut si persoana care ma asculta din simplul motiv ca ma iubea. Asa ca acum chestiile random (care privesc aspecte mai mult sau mai putin existentiale) sau revelatiile cum le ziceam acum vreo 2 ani plutesc haotic prin creierul meu si fac absolut imposibila orice incercare sau incercare de incercare a organizarii gandurilor. Cum sunt o persoana orientata spre solutii, dupa o indelunga meditatie a subconstientului meu (de care am aflat ulterior) , am gasit raspunsul: LET THEM OUT! Si cum orice raspuns cumsecade, vine insotit cel putin de o intrebare aditionala, evident ca urmatorul gand a fost: unde sa le eliberez? In ce lume larga? Si tot subconstientul meu a venit cu solutia: blogosfera (doar sunt atat de multe informatii pe net, care mai de care mai irelevante... nimeni nu o sa fie afectat major daca mai postez si eu cateva ganduri dezordonate)

Si uite asa m-am pornit sa scriu despre revelatii, AHA moments, lucruri care imi mai plac sau care nu, chestiile esentiale care imi consuma energia atat timp cat sunt in interiorul creierasului meu. Si trebuie sa recunosc ca ma simt ceva mai usurata (psihologic vorbind)... ca si cum as face o cura de detoxifiere. Si daca tot am spus ce am avut de spus, e timpul sa ma intorc la invatat :(

Intrebare si raspuns

Anii trecuti ma tot intrebam de unde isi iau puterea oamenii puternici. Cum de au ei atat de multa putere sa treaca peste lucrurile negative din viata lor si sa mai si zambeasca si sa ii ajute pe ceilalti? Am tot incercat sa fac asumptii, i-am intrebat, dar nu am fost multumita de ce am aflat (nu stiu ce am aflat, imi aduc aminte numai senzatia de nelamurire neclarificata).

In seara, ascultand cu atentie versurile melodiilor de la radio, desi incercam din rasputeri sa le evit (dar nu am reusit sa le ignor... nici versurile, nici avalansa de ganduri), mi-a revenit ghidus aceeasi intrebare: de unde isi iau puterea oamenii puternici? Si am inceput sa imi conturez si un raspuns: din ei insisi. Nu stiu daca e raspunsul corect, nici nu stiu daca ma multumeste, dar a fost raspunsul care m-a facut sa iau telefonul in mana, sa ma uit la el cateva secunde si apoi sa il las jos.

Povestea gropii din asfalt

Am auzit de curand intr-un material realizat de Andy Szekely o povestioara tare draguta care explica cum se schimba obiceiurile in oameni.

"Ma trezesc luni de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, nu vad ca e o groapa si cad in ea.
Ma trezesc marti de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, nu vad ca e o groapa si cad in ea.
Ma trezesc miercuri de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, vad ca e o groapa si cad in ea.
Ma trezesc joi de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, vad ca e o groapa, o ocolesc si imi continui drumul.
Ma trezesc vineri de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, ma intalnesc cu un vecin, vorbesc cu el, vad ca e o groapa, o ocolesc si imi continui drumul.
Ma trezesc sambata de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, nu-mi dau seama ca groapa e acolo, o ocolesc si imi continui drumul.
Ma trezesc duminica de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta si o iau pe alt drum."

Pe strada mea e miercuri...

Admir

Ma gandeam zilele trecute la oamenii din viata mea. La cei pe care ii am mai aproape, cei pe care i-am vazut din cand in cand, cei care au avut un impact major asupra mea, cei pe care as vrea sa ii revad, cei care imi sunt alaturi mereu sau din cand in cand, cei de la care am invatat si cei pe care i-am invatat... Au trecut multi oameni prin viata mea. Si din acestia multi, sunt cativa pe care i-am admirat. Sau mai bine spus, la care am admirat anumite trasaturi, anumite reactii, anumite pareri sau mod de viata.

Admir altruismul, capacitatea de auto-schimbare, oamenii care pot ierta, oamenii care au credinta, oamenii cu vieti armonioase, oamenii care sunt deschisi invatarii indiferent de varsta, oamenii care stiu sa aduca un zambet pe buzele celorlalti, oamenii inteligenti, oamenii optimisti, pe cei cu valori clare care le ghideaza parcursul in viata, oamenii care au arta in viata lor, oamenii curiosi, oamenii frumosi...

Sunt recunoscatoare pentru ca i-am cunoscut. Viata e mai frumoasa atunci cand vezi frumusetea din ea.

The bucket list

Have you found joy in your life?
Has your life brought joy to others?

Yes and yes.

Toastmasters Cluj

Last week Anusca introduced me to an amazing organization: TOASTMASTERS (http://www.toastmasters.org/). It's a NGO present in 106 countries that has about 250000 members. TOASTMASTERS International empowers people to become better communicators and better leaders. Basically, it teaches you public speaking. And it does it by constant practice. It's simply great! Where else would you have the chance to practice your public speaking skills on a weekly bases? I used to tell my students in Lithuania that "practice makes it perfect". TOASTMASTERS is THE PLACE to practice, to become better and better, to become more aware of your habits and your abilities.

Why does TOASTMASTER fit me like a glove? In a few bullets:

• I discovered that I have ideas and I am a kind person, but most of the times I don't know how to express it, so I need to improve my communication skills
• I want to learn how to actually listen to the others
• Networking - the people that are attending TOASTMASTERS come from very different backgrounds than mine (ok, most of them are programmers :P)
• I want to become a person that can inspire the others
• I want to be more organized
• I want to be a better trainer
• I want to finally know how to react when receiving feedback
• I believe in this organization and in its clear benefits
• I love the idea of building an organization
• I am enthusiastic, energetic and I have free time to invest in great ideas
• I have the organizatoric skills that it takes to get things started
• I am constructive
• It makes me smile

It's gonna be great! I believe in it! And... guess what... I get to stay in Romania, close to my family, I get to reach some of my 2010 objectives, I get to meet new people, I get the time to invest "my eggs" (read hopes, dreams and plans) in more than 1 basket.

Happy, smiley me :)

English wisedom

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket". It's a saying I heard a few years ago from my English teacher. I didn't pay much attention to it. And somehow, these days I remembered it. Because I did exactly what I shouldn't have done. I put all my eggs (read hopes, dreams, plans) in a basket that seemed to be perfect and yet it wasn't strong enough. And this basket vanished. It just disappeared. Without a real explanation, without solutions.

And now I have to pick all the broken hopes, dreams, plans, put them together and find a new basket for them. This morning, when I woke up and checked my email, I found out something amazing. There seems to be a basket that I can reach, where I could deposit my broken self. And still, I don't want to make the same mistake again. It's hard to attemper my enthusiasm, to think about other plans because I know that if I want to get it, I need to visualise it.

Hm... decision making is hard, but at least now I have 2 principles to do it:
1. I'll take the best opportunities that will help me reach my objectives
2. I won't put all my eggs in one basket.

February looks like an interesting month...

Privind pe geam

Anul acesta stau la etajul 7. Si m-am mutat aici dupa ce am stat 6 luni la parter. E o mica diferenta de perspectiva. E interesant cateodata sa vezi privirea de ansamblu si sa nu iti mai ratacesti ochii pe trunchiurile noduroase ale copacilor din fata geamului.


Din cand in cand, fac o scurta pauza de cateva secunde si ma uit pe fereastra. Se vede lacul (acum e inghetat si oamenii patineaza pe el), mall-ul, cateva cladiri de apartamente si, daca nu e ceata, un deal. Ce imi atrage atentia de fiecare data e blocul grena (nu stiu daca asta e culoarea care sa il descrie cel mai bine, dar eu asa il vad). E un bloc cu vreo 7-8 etaje (eu le vad numai pe cele 5 situate deasupra copacilor) si, cel mai important, cu mansarda. E unul din putinele blocuri din Cluj care au mansarda (cel putin, din cate am vazut eu).


Privind pe geam si vazand mansardele (in care, din fericire nu am vazut locatarii, deci nu au povesti) imi imaginez viitorul. E un viitor fericit, frumos, linistit. "Mansarda" reprezinta oaza mea de confort si pace, locul in care ma vor astepta pereti frumos colorati, poze cu cei dragi si locurile prin care m-am perindat, carti citite sau in curs de a fi explorte, colectia de carti de calatorie, un catelus mic, dragalas si frumos mirositor, scaune comode, Leady, Toto si Clementina, o azalee rosie, un Wii, lotiunea de cirese si vanilie si parfumul cald de liliac. "Mansarda" e locul in care gatesc pentru cei dragi, unde experimentez prajituri noi in fiecare saptamana, unde se mai incing din cand in cand un joc de remmy sau UNO, unde exista un vin bun pe care il savurez cu oameni la care tin, unde fac schimb de zambete sincere cu cei pe care ii iubesc.


"Mansarda" e cu siguranta acasa unde voi veni dupa o zi de serviciu sau dupa o conferinta sau dupa o vizita la Calarasi. "Mansarda" e acasa pentru mine asa cum imi doresc sa fiu - un om calm, care vede frumusetea din jur si esenta in oamenii de care e inconjurat. "Mansarda" e acasa unde e armonie - ceea ce imi doresc cel mai mult. "Mansarda" e acasa unde se vor naste (ca niste iepurasi) ideile pentru proiectele mele educationale care vor schimba in mod iremediabil vietile unor adolescenti. "Mansarda" e locul in care fac ce trebuie, cand trebuie fara sa mai comentez si fara sa ma mai caut scuze. "Mansarda" e acasa unde sunt fericita. "Mansarda" e acasa unde am motiv sa pregatesc crema de caramel cu banane si inghetata de vanilie. "Mansarda" e o stare de spirit mai mult decat un loc.

Mansarda e un vis pe care il am de fiecare data cand privesc pe geam. Si e un vis atat de frumos, incat i-am pus un deadline (iulie 2010) si l-am transformat in obiectiv. Am inceput deja sa lucrez pentru "mansarda". Zilele acestea ii pun temelia, pentru ca vreau ca pana in vara sa fie gata. E frumos sa lucrez pentru a-mi atinge un vis. Imi da putere si ma trezesc cu un zambet sincer in fiecare dimineata.

Hugs "without a price"

I read on Dora's blog about these hugs. And I must confess that I love it.

Hugs "without a price" are the hugs that you're giving without expecting anything back (not even another hug). For me, a hug "without a price" can say "Thank you for being in my life", "I like your personality", "I'm happy to have met you", "You made my day", "I love you", "Thank you for inspiring me", "I'm here for you whenever you need me", "I'm unbelievably happy for you", "I admire you so much"

There are some people in my life to whom I would give these hugs. I don't know if they know that they are on my list, but I'm sure they will feel it when they will receive my hug.

Now, I'm just grateful for the amazing people I know (especially for the special persons in my life). I wish all of them could feel tonight my thoughts and feelings for them.