Calarasi

Am ajuns in Calarasi acum cateva ore. Si totul e la fel. La fel cum era acum 1 luna, acum 1 an, acum 5 ani. Timpul a stat in loc in casa mea. Si e bine. Cu siguranta aici e centrul zonei mele de confort, locul de unde imi iau energie si speranta. Aici fug de restul lumii, fug de tot ceea ce nu imi place sau ma doare, fug de esecuri si de neimpliniri. In ultimele 3 luni am venit prea des acasa. Am fugit prea mult. Sper ca acum sa fie ultimul popas.

Masina s-a stricat in august si acum e in sfarsit reparata. Eu de ce nu as fi la fel?

Amanunte

Mi-am luat o cana cu 2 nuante jumate de verde si infuzor impreuna cu ceai verde cu aroma de ananas. La magazin i-am cerut doamnei un ceai care sa ma faca sa zambesc si-mi place ce mi-am ales.
Azi a fost a treia zi cand am iesit sa alerg in jurul lacului. A fost mai putin dureros decat datile trecute si ceva mai placut.
Aseara am mancat bomboane cu arahide si in miez de noapte, cartofi fierti.
Azi m-am hotarat ca voi reincepe sa ma uit la How I Met Your Mother.
In 14 ore voi fi la Calarasi.
Am probleme de comunicare cu Clementina, Toto si Leady... cred ca ne asteapta o despartire sau cel putin o pauza.
Pe geam se vad din ce in ce mai multe nuante de verde.

Life is weird

Ever since I left home I'm looking for home. I'm looking for a place/an environment/something where I belong, where I feel safe, where from I get my energy. I've been looking for this place in a building, in some people, in other countries, in other cities. Somehow, it didn't appear. And now, in a very weird way, I feel at home. It's hard to explain why. At first, I wanted to do it. But now I understand that there's no point in trying. It's way better to be aware and enjoy it!

5 years from now...

How will your life look like 5 years from now?

I've heard this question so many times! I tried to answer it so many times! And now I gave up. I'm still exploring the world around me, my options, my possibilities, myself. And almost every day I discover something new. So I will not think about how my life will look like 5 years from now. I will only focus on my feelings.

5 years from now, guess what... I want to be happy! Right now, a happy 27 years old Silvia loves her job, started her family, has her few precious friends around her, travels and discoveres the world, makes a difference in others' life.

I'm curious how will happy 27 years old Silvia will actually look like...

Silvia's laws

I call them laws. It may not be the best word for them, but it's the one I like the most. They are a mix of proven facts, pieces of advice and randomness. They started as 2, continued as 4, one of them was updated and then the 5th one arrived. They are always in my mind and from time they help me control my reactions or make some decisions. Oh... and they are quite famous around the world (even made it to New Zeeland:P). I think now it's time to oficially introduce them (in chronological order):

1. All beautiful men have a problem with their nose.

2. The moment you stop comparing is the moment you start being happy.

3. All decisions have positive and negative consequences.

4. Make sure you build yourself a beautiful present!

5. Actions have consequences.

Analyzing a bit my history with these words, I would say that law number 1 applies every time (from my point of view); law number 2 is the one that is the hardest to put in practice and that comes as AHA moment too late, almost all the time; law number 3 is the one that brings me confort and makes me feel better about myself; law number 4 is the second hardest to put in practice, but I'm working on it quite hard and I am trying to educate my mind to enjoy every moment, every day; law number 5 is always in my mind and guides me every day, makes me more rational and develops my long term thinking (for all these reasons, it became law number 5).

Fresh from the oven

OPS track in Spring SIMS 2010 ended 20 minutes ago. It was definitely one of the most positive experiences I ever had: the facis were great, I worked unbelievably well with Boz (my capricorn agenda manager), the delegates were the right people, the venue is simply amazing and AIESEC Slovenia an incredible AIESEC country.

We started with 8 delegates, but today we lost 2 of them, so we ended with 6. 6 people in whom I believe, 6 people that will have extraordinary X experiences, 6 people that got the most out of this conference, that were genuinely intrested in what X means. I was so used to begging people to like X, to go in X and this conference made me realise that my attitude is wrong. People should not be begged to have this experience. If they are the right ones, they will realise it once you are presenting the program. And those are the people that take the most out of their X. I am extremly confident that our delegates will have a life changing experience, will grow and will learn.

I am happy I decided to come and I am even happier that I decided to enjoy it and be true to myself. It was a conference in my rythm, with great conversations, laughter, prepared sessions, amazing chair (Lauri -current MCP of Estonia, MCPe Cambodgia).

And as I said in the closing of my track, thank you for making me fall in love again with X.

SIMS will have a special place in my memories and my heart...

No more there

"If you never lose your desire to wander, you belong". It was a comercial I saw in Oslo airport. These words got stuck in my mind and I'm coming back to them every once in a while. Since I arrived in Slovenia, I started thinking again about it, about what I want for my future. I thought I knew what I wanted, but this conference made me question it. And after two days of pictures, visions, objectives, what ifs and many others, I realised that I can only enjoy here and now if I know I have a home to go back to. I realised that I'm more attached to Romania than I show it. I realised that I like AIESEC Romania.

So I lost my desire to wander. It feels a bit weird, as if a part of me just disappeared. I feel home in Cluj and Calarasi, I'd rather spend 12 hours to get from my dorm room to my green room than spend 2 hours in an airplane from my dorm room to a random couch/hostel bed somewhere in Europe. I belong home.

At peace with myself

Beautiful place

Right now I'm taking a look on the window and I can see the snow glittering. I am in an amazing place in Slovenia, a ski resort called Pohorje (or something similar). This is by far the most amazing confernce venue I've seen: the mountains, the fresh air, the internet that is working really, really well, the food, the arhitecture... It's such a peaceful place! And more than that, I am surrounded by really amazing people. I don't know how the delegates will be (I'll get to know them in 1 hour), but the faci team is definitely what I expected :)

And you know what's the most unbelievable thing? In a spring conference with 50 delegates in a country that has around 100 members there are people from 8 countries. Truely international... an environment where I feel just like home :)

My exchange experience

Today I finally sent my exchange evaluation to my host LC. Today I met someone that was in a student exchange programme in Siauliai. So today I decided that it's the moment to look back and think about my exchange experience.

If I were to describe it in one word, I would shut up. Because I need more than one word to explain my face expression. It's a mix of AHA moments, sadness, joy, learning process, amazing people and regret. I learned so much about myself during my time in Siauliai and I continued this self discovery process even when I came back. My relationship with my parents became so much closer. I met a few great persons with whom I connected and with whom I felt unbelievably comfortable. I visited Roxi in Norway. I visited all the Baltic capitals. I fell in love with training. I pushed my limits. I adapted. And in the same time, I lost what I love(d) the most.

Looking back, I realise that this experience was like a really bad and efficient vaccine: it hurts when you're taking it, but on the long run it keeps you here.

Later edit:

My exchange experience doesn't end here. Tonight, while preparing my sessions for OPS, I realized I am still in love with this idea. And I will have my wonderful experience, just like I want it! I still have 33 months :) So enough about what it was... I started thinking about the future (after all, I am a person that lives for the future). I started thinking about that amazing intersnhip that will provide me the experience that I want. I will not settle for so so memories when it comes to X and to organization where I grew and developed as a person. I will have a great X. Because now I know what I need in order to be happy, what are my limits. I usually need a second chance to get things right (when it comes to people, jobs, hairstyles, etc). And it's so easy to get my second chance with X.

I'm in love with X experiences, with creating them, preparing people for them. I will be in love with my X experience! I made up my mind!

Shut up?!

Last night, on my way to Ljubljana, I passed through Croatia. Nothing special so far. Nothing special that the police officers were checking our passports. Nothing special that the police officers looked grumpy. But there were some special things...

At first, it was the way they were checking the train. They were opening the ceiling and looking for persons/drugs/whatever. Secondly, the guy that checked my documents knew a few words in Romanian (pasaport, buletin, valuta), which was a surprise (. And last, but not least, the way he was talking to me. I was asked for my passport and then for my ID and if I had any money. I understood why they were asking for passport and the amount of money, but why my national ID? And because I really don't like to be confused, I asked why is he asking for my ID. The answer: "This is Croatian police. SHUT UP!". Whaaaaaaaat? Why did he behave like this? SInce when a position is an answer to anything? And why couldn't he say something like: "I am authorised to ask for your documents" or "This is the normal procedure". Why did he had that threatening and almost hateful look?

Still pissed.

Today

I want to remember today. I want to remember what I did, how I felt, the conversations I had.

I want to remember that today I turned into reality a dream that I had since I was 17, that of volunteering for Habitat for Humanity. It was simply amazing. I don't know how important it was for the others, but for me it really made a difference. I felt I was part of something more important, something bigger. It was challenging, pretty fun and I discovered another passionate person about volunteering.

I want to remember that today I was appreciated by a person I truely like and respect. Today I realised that even if there are some people with whom I'm not compatible and that don't acknowledge my value, there are some that see the good part in me.

I will remember today!

Killing drama queen

Thank God I was given a functional brain! Otherwise, I would be stuck forever with my inner drama queen - the most annoying person in my world. It's unbvelievable how a drama queen moment can ruin an entire day or a celebration. So I decided to kill her (I mean me, that part of me). Taking the decision wasn't hard; implementing it, on the other hand... (does this sound familiar?)

First step: figure out when DQ (Drama Queen) is at her best. What she likes, when she likes to appear, her favourite way of acting. Step number two: figure out who can control DQ (the list was pretty surprising). Step number three: figure out what DQ hates (now, that was challenging since most of the things/people that can make DQ disappear are not in my control). Step number four: create a strategy (a really, really simple one that can be easily tracked). Step number five: enjoy the process and the result.

Right now, I have my strategy. It's unbelievably simple. It's called admiting the truth. Simply amazing. Finding the power to tell myself the truth (especially concerning my feelings, fears and expectation) is really working. I had this revelation on Thursday, in Carturesti when I was almost crying for a really stupid reason. And I had it again on Saturday night, when I was crying again for the same really stupid reason. And I had it again on Monday night, when I saw 2 beautiful, weird snowdrops in an abandoned yard (and on Monday I wasn't crying anymore). I know that for some people (actually I hope that for most people) my revelation seems unimportant as they are used to doing it, but for me it's something pretty big. And I'm glad it finally happenned. The benefits are way larger than just killing my inner drama queen.

Actually, I'm not killing her because sometimes her outburts can be funny and entertaining. I'm just killing her when it comes to people and important stuff (on the other hand, I'm really bad with setting priorities and almost everything is important for me)... Drama queen, I'm over you! It's time for a new chapter!

Invata de la toate

Invata de la ape sa ai statornic drum,
Invata de la flacari ca totu-i numai scrum,
Invata de la umbra sa taci si sa veghezi,
Invata de la stanca cum neclintit sa crezi.

Invata de la soare cum trebuie s-apui,
Invata de la piatra cat trebuie sa spui,
Invata de la vantul ce-adie pe poteci
Cum trebuie prin lume de linistit sa treci.

Invata de la toate, caci toate sunt surori,
Cum treci frumos prin viata, cum poti frumos sa mori
Invata de la vierme ca nimeni nu-i uitat,
Invata de la nufar sa fii mereu curat.

Invata de la vultur cand umerii ti-s grei
Si du-te la furnica sa vezi povara ei
Invata de la greier cand singur esti, sa canti
Invata de la luna sa nu te inspaimanti.

Invata de la pasari sa fii mai mult in zbor,

Invata de la toate ca totu-i trecator.

Ia seama, fiu al jertfei prin lumea-n care treci,

Sa-nveti din tot ce piere, tu sa traiesti in veci!

Friday night

Snowflakes on a March Friday night is like falling in love on a summer Friday night. It's beautiful, it's surprising, it's innocent, it makes me happy and more positive, it makes me ignore anything else around me, it's almost like a dream.

Snowflakes on a March Friday night is like falling in love on a summer Friday night. They both last too little. They both make me a bit sad in the end. And they both leave great memories and peace.

Frustari de voluntar

In ultimii 5-6 ani, am experimentat de nenumarate ori sentimentul de frustare. De fiecare data cand am fost implicata intr-o actiune de voluntariat, am fost mai mult sau mai putin frustrata: de oamenii cu care lucram, de felul in care imi indeplineam sau nu imi indeplineam sarcinile, de cultura organizationala, de cum se purtau ceilalti cu mine, de cum ma purtam eu cu ceilalti, de mesajele subliminale sau modul de comunicare. Motive gasesc oricand (cred ca e ceva predispozitie genetica sa fiu nemultumita de realitatea din jur). Din fericire, gasesc si metode de a transforma frustarea in ceva constructiv... dar numai dupa ce am avut ocazia sa o introduc celor din jur :P

Mai nou, am descoperit ca am doua modalitati de a ma manifesta: cand iau lucrurile personal si cand nu le iau personal. Cand le iau personal, sunt dezamagita. Si incep sa construiesc incet, incet, dar extrem de perseverent un zid tare solid intre mine si persoana/organizatia respectiva. E un zid pe care pana acum nu l-am construit prea sus... inca il mai pot sari, dar cu eforturi. Si cum eu sunt mai lenesa din fire, eforturile le fac numai pentru motive bine intemeiate. Dar mai e si varianta de manifestare in care nu iau lucrurile personal. Si atunci sunt tare amuzanta. Imi exersez toate cunostintele in materie de interjectii, riduri de expresie si gesturi ciudatele.

Off! frustarile astea!!!! mai ales frustrari de voluntar cand iti dai seama ca schimbarea nu e asa usor de produs, oamenii lucreaza atat de diferit sau ca lumea altora nu se invarteste in acelasi ritm si dupa aceasi ax ca lumea ta... insa indiferent de motiv, de felul in care se manifesta, frustrarile mele au o origine nobila: imi pasa.

Si pentru ca imi pasa si imi doresc sa reusim (acest noi are atat de multe valente personale si profesionale), trec peste frustrari si le transform in ceva constructiv si util. Trec peste frustrari si devin mai toleranta si mai intelegatoare.

Ally McBeal

I just watched the last episode. Last episode, last season... the end... feeling a bit sad and nostalgic right now.he 5 seasons,

I started watching this TV show because Roxi told me that the end was unexpected. So somehow, all throughout the seasons I was waiting for the end. And it wasn't like I wanted it to be. It wasn't like I hoped for...

During the 5 seasons I had some moments when I identified myself with Ally (very dangerous for my mental health) and some moments when I just felt I was there, with them, in the office or at the bar. And I realised that I would like to work in a very friendly environment, to have a best friend like John Cage, to go to the bar after work, to be good in what I am doing, to be able to connect to people the way she does it. However, I wouldn't like the obsession for getting married and having kids, nor the neurotic boyfriend that just dumps me without saying a word...

I will miss Ally. But it's nice to know that I have her one torrent away :)

Expectations

I expected them to show that they care. I expected to be asked what I want, what I'm doing, what are my plans. I expected to receive at least an email or a phone call. Apparently I expected too much.

I can understand that on a personal level, I may or may not be what they want and need, but on a professional level things are different... I know I have no right to complain. But now I am not complaining. I am only disappointed. And I do have the right to be disappointed, because I was "raised" in a different culture...

Laughing

I just found this picture here and I'm still laughing. I just love it! Definitely made my day :)