New city, new blog

I just moved to Stockholm and I'm starting a lot of new things, such as a new blog:
www.silviapatrascu.wordpress.com

Just a thought

This week I realized why I like WENA so much. It's because of people's stories.
I'm pretty sure that this year will be the best year so far.

It's happeninng

I think I only realized it when I heard Roxi this morning. And it feels like the biggest commitment I ever took in my life. It's a bit scary and extremly beautiful.

It's going to be an amazing adventure. I hope I will know to enjoy every single moment of it.

Smiley me :)

Fairy tale

Many times upon a time
There was a man who loved a woman.
Many times upon a time
There was a woman who loved a man.
Many times upon a time
There was a man and there was a woman
Who did not love the ones who loved them.

Once upon a time
Perhaps only once
A man and a woman who loved each other.

Robert Desnos

Recunoștință

Azi mi-am dat seama din nou că trăiesc o perioadă extrem de frumoasă, în care am foarte multe din lucrurile pe care mi le-am dorit. Am multe de care să fiu mândră și pentru care să fiu recunoscătoare. Și cred că acum e un moment foarte bun să le pun pe hârtie (a se citi blog) pentru a le avea la îndemână când am nevoie:

• pot să gândesc pozitiv
• cred în faptul că mă pot modela spre a deveni cea mai bună variantă a Silviei
• am aproape oameni care mă admiră și mă apreciază
• am curaj să merg spre ceea ce îmi doresc
• călătoresc (mai mult decât mi-aș fi imaginat acum 8 ani, când au început peregrinările)
• stau într-un loc în care mă simt ca acasă
• părinții mei mă susțin necondiționat în tot ceea ce fac
• sunt sinceră cu mine
• garderoba mea devine din ce în ce mai plină de rochițe
• am 4 poze nebune cu o prietenă extrem, extrem de dragă mie
• sunt parte din echipa Habitat
• lucrez cu oameni creativi
• în fiecare zi am cel puțin un motiv să zâmbesc sincer
• am oameni la care mă pot duce dacă mi-e greu
• citesc beletristică
• de 3 zile ninge într-una și de fiecare dată când sunt afară sunt invadată de emoții pozitive
• am fost în Rio și am cea mai frumoasă amintire de la Cristo Redentor
• viața mea spirituală

Îmi face bine să îmi amintesc de ceea ce am în viața mea. Îmi dă putere, încredere și speranță.

...

We grew older, stronger and ... apart

Punct. Si de la capat

E un moment bun sa fac bilantul. S-a incheiat si gloriosul an 22 al vietii mele. S-a terminat de curand si 2010, asa ca numai bine sa trag linia acum :)

Punct.

Despre ce a fost 2010? Despre crestere si proactivitate. Sunt mandra de ce am devenit in 2010: mai puternica, mai independenta, mai fericita.

2010 a fost despre 3 ONGuri care la modul cel mai serios mi-au schimbat viata. Toastmasters mi-a dat la inceput de 2010 un motiv sa am incredere in mine si sa trec peste mica depresie in care intrasem, iar la sfarsit de 2010 mi-a dat motive sa-mi zambeasca ochii din nou. Habitat mi-a dat cea mai frumoasa vara din viata mea, un vis pentru viitor si prima idee antreprenoriala. Toate astea pe langa cativa oameni minunati care s-au lipit ca un magnet de frigider de inima mea. Iar AIESEC mi-a aratat din nou lumea, m-a adus intr-o echipa pe care mi-am dorit-o demult si mi-a dezvaluit cativa oameni cu potential real de prieteni pe viata.

2010 a fost si despre o despartire care a durut mai mult decat orice altceva si care m-a facut mai puternica si mai capabila sa apreciez lucrurile frumoase din viata mea. Tot in 201o mi-am dat seama ca daca e un lucru pe care pot sa il fac, acela e sa nu tolerez situatii care nu imi plac. Am zis nu de fiecare data cand nimeni altcineva nu a avut curajul, am pus cartile pe fata cand altii s-au ascuns, mi-am luat inima-n dinti si am plecat cand nu m-am mai recunoscut in mediul in care eram. De multe ori a durut, dar mereu a fost decizia cea mai buna. Si pentru mine, si pentru cei din jur.

2010 a fost despre proactivitate. Mai tot timpul (evident au fost si exceptii ca de.. I still have an inner drama queen) m-am dus spre oportunitatile pe care le-am vrut, spre oamenii care mi-au placut sau de care am avut nevoie, spre locurile unde m-am simtit ca acasa. Cateodata in drum spre oportunitati/oameni/locuri m-am mai lovit de usi inchise sau de ziduri prea tari, m-am mai ratacit sau mi-am dat seama ca alta mi-e de fapt destinatia. Dar fiecare descoperire am facut-o pe pielea mea si tare bine mi-a prins!

2010 mi-a mai adus si un vis frumos pentru 2011, ceea ce ne duce la partea 2.

De la capat.

Despre ce va fi 2011, vom vedea abia la sfarsit. Despre ce imi doresc sa fie... despre descoperiri. Vreau sa fiu mai curajoasa, sa imi asum mai multe riscuri, sa ma apropii de mai multi oameni.

Sunt multe lucruri pe care le vreau de la 2011, sunt multi oameni pe care ii vreau in viata mea, sunt multe si mari asteptarile de la mine.

Vesnica dorinta despre viata sanatoasa, sport si slabit este evident in top (insotita si de scepticism, dar si de niste actiuni pe care am inceput deja sa le intreprind). La fel si cea despre sufletul pereche despre care se tot vorbeste in povesti (aceasta are si mai mult scepticism in spate). Si nu putea sa lipseasca de pe lista mea ceva legat de calatorii. Vreau sa mai vad lumea, sa o descopar, sa-mi placa sau nu. Numai ca de data asta am o conditie: sa o vad cu oameni dragi mie. Nu-mi mai place sa ma tot plimb de una singura. Parca am avut destul timp pentru mine. Anul asta vreau sa fiu printre oameni. Da, in 2011 vreau sa fiu parte dintr-un grup care sa-mi placa (n-as fi crezut c-as zice vreodata asta).

In 2011 vreau sa-mi iubesc viata! Si asta o sa fac! Am inceput bine anul din puntul asta de vedere :)

Alive

If I were to sum up my last 2 months in one word, that would be alive.

All the things I've been through, all the things I witnessed, all the people I met, all the emotioions and reactions I had make me feel alive. From being very angry to extremly serene, from needing someone to being completely independent, from very healthy to kind of sick, from bored to very busy, from lonely to being in love, I experienced it all. And I am happy for everything that happened, every training I delivered, every meeting I attended, every conversation, every party, every walk, every sunset, every kiss, every new person.

I feel alive. I was never before aware of this feeling.

Pe una din strazile mele

"Ma trezesc luni de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, nu vad ca e o groapa si cad in ea.
Ma trezesc marti de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, nu vad ca e o groapa si cad in ea.
Ma trezesc miercuri de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, vad ca e o groapa si cad in ea.
Ma trezesc joi de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, vad ca e o groapa, o ocolesc si imi continui drumul.
Ma trezesc vineri de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, ma intalnesc cu un vecin, vorbesc cu el, vad ca e o groapa, o ocolesc si imi continui drumul.
Ma trezesc sambata de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta, merg pe drum, nu-mi dau seama ca groapa e acolo, o ocolesc si imi continui drumul.
Ma trezesc duminica de dimineata, ma imbrac, ies pe usa, inchid poarta si o iau pe alt drum."

Pe strada SBDB e vineri. Timpul e ciudat. Ai spune ca intre miercuri si joi sunt numai cateva ore. Mie mi-a luat 3 ani. Si inca un an sa ajung de joi pana vineri. Sunt curioasa cat o sa mai dureze pana duminica...

My perfect week in Sweden

I wish I could export the movie I have in my mind about my week in Sweden. I wish I could describe every feeling, every moment, every emotion. But I can't. I lost my writing skills long time ago. Still, I feel the need to write about it. To remember it. To treasure it.

It seems like I'm using too big words for a trip . But it was the first time when I took a trip to find an answer to a burning question. And I was lucky enough to find my answer, to feel it and to share it with other people. It didn't take me long to figure out what's the answer, but I was patient and I lived and analyzed every moment so that I am sure that I have the right answer.

My perfect week in Sweden... Why perfect? Because I felt home. Because the colours were simply wonderful. Because the first thing I saw when I woke up was a lovely tree with yellow leafs. Because I laughed, I connected with people, I was true to myself. Because I was at my best. Because I was a good trainer and I challenged the ones around me. Because I felt so proud of being Romanian. Because of a sugarcube. Because I want to go back.

But more than that, I met beautiful individuals. I worked in the best faci team ever. I loved the atmosphere, the duck effect, the hugs, the trust, the challenges. It felt like we've been working together forever.

I loved my perfect week in Sweden. And I love my brand new personal project inspired by my perfect week in Sweden :)

Sheer happiness

Sheer happiness... Till now, I believed that sheer happiness means a collection of moments that appear every once in a while. I never thought it could be the background feeling, the one that is always present, no matter what I'm doing, no matter how I'm reacting to different situations, no matter what else is happenning around.

Yesterday I was back in that enironment. I attended Big Build in Beius and together with international volunteers from Northern Ireland I worked on the interior insulation of a 1 room apartment. It was amazing to see around 150 people from Northern Ireland, UK, USA and Romania working hard in order to build 12 homes in 1 week. It was amazing to be part of them and build with them. It was amazing to meet people in their 60s or 70s that volunteer with Habitat for decades. And it was definitely useful to understand how to soundproof a room :)

I love what Habitat offers me. I got to know great persons, meet new friends and see the impact of our activities on the volunteers and the partner families. I was challenegd and I learned so many things related to people, event planning, cultural differences and building houses. Definitely, Habitat is an organization where I belong and for which I will be working in the near future (it may be in Cluj, Bratislava or a country somewhere in Africa or Asia).

Just writing about it and remembering made me feel happy again. wooow!

I miss you

I miss some people. The more I travel, the more people I meet, the more I increase my network, the more I miss the ones I truely connected with.

R,A,A,A,H,L,L,L,C,M,S - I miss you a lot!

My sunscreen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; [I'm doing it only when I'm traveling or when I reach an important objective]

oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. [probably true. I usually tend to value experiences and people only after I don't have them in my present]

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you [I'm aware of this now, at least on a professional level]

and how fabulous you really looked…[In march/april/may I was much more aware of that. Now I don't actually care how I look]

You’re not as fat as you imagine. [yeah, right...]

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. [I know this, but every now and then I'm still only worrying instead of actually doing something about it]

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; [I'm lucky. I'm only dealing with 1 big trouble right now - one of those I can't influence at all, so I only hope and stay positive]

the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. [never happenned so far, hopefully it won't happen anytime soon]

Do one thing everyday that scares you [No! I'm rarely doing things that scare me. I'm too afraid that I might do it wrong. A strong part of me is still the perfect kid that always does what she's suppossed to do. I know I should work on this, but I'm not making it a priority]

Sing [I'm doing it more often than before, even if I can't actually sing]

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, [I'm not. I was like this a few years ago, but I learned my lesson]

don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. [I put up only with one person. I hope I won't do it again]

Floss [not my favourite activity]

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; [working on this, but sometimes it's really hard]

sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind… [I was ahead, but this time of the year I feel I am behind, while the pressure to be ahead is huge]

the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. [I'm not fully convinced of this one]

Remember the compliments you receive, [Unless they are written, I don't remember them]

forget the insults; [ I do, unless they come from people that I appreciate]

if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. [can't give you any piece of advice now]

Keep your old love letters, [I keep only one, the most important one. And it makes me smile and feel special every time I read it, now that I've moved on]

throw away your old bank statements. [I've never seen any of my bank statements]

Stretch [only when I wake up or after jogging]

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life… [I don't feel guilty, I feel confused]

the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, [The interesting ones I know knew at 15 what they eanted to do with their life]

some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. [I never met any of those]

Get plenty of calcium. [After 21 years, I started drinking milk again :)]

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. [I take care of them, they've been torturing me for 10 years when I was a kid. Generally, I think I take care of my body]

Maybe you’ll marry, [I hope I will]

maybe you won’t, [sometimes I think I won't]

maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, [I will raise children, whether I'll give birth to them or if I'll adopt them]

maybe you’ll divorce at 40, [divorces are one of the things that frighten me the most]

maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary… [chances are I won't live that long]

whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much [I'm only doing it with my best friends... The famous "I'm so proud of myself"]

or berate yourself either [I'm doing it less and less after I found about the power of my mind in a class on cognitive and behavioural coaching]

your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. [I got that]

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own [I'm not using it to it's full potential]

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. [This makes me happy every time I'm trying it]

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. [If they're not too long or too boring, I usually read them and most of the times I follow them]

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. [I don't. It's the first thing I started doing after I listened Sunsreen 4 years ago]

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. [checked]

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. [no siblings :(]

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. [I have a few very valuable friendships I hold on to]

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. [long live Skype, gmail, Facebook and Wizzair]

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. [Not done]

Travel. [I started. I took a break this year, but I think I have the energy to do it again next year]

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. [I already started saying "When I was young..."]

Respect your elders. [I do]

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. [For now, my parents still support me]

Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. [I plan to be financially independent starting with July 2010]

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. [I take care of it and it's pretty nice and healthy]

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. [most of the times, I'm hearing them, not actually listening]

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. [I try to remember that when I start giving pieces of advice to the ones around me. I'm still giving too many pieces of advice instead of asking questions and listening to them]

But trust me on the sunscreen… [I trust you, especially after this summer when I had the sunscreen with me every single day on the working site and I didn't get any sun burns]

Din tren

Cand eram mica, imi doream sa fiu scriitor. Sa pot sa scriu povesti fascinante, in care cititorii mei sa se piarda si pe care sa le tina minte o viata intreaga. Cand eram mica, incercam sa scriu. Dar am crescut si am hotarat ca nu sunt suficint de buna si nici suficient de ambitioasa incat sa muncesc din greu pentru a deveni buna. Asa ca am abandonat. Din cand in cand, redevin mica si imi doresc sa fiu scriitor. Azi e unul din acele momente.

Sunt in trenul care ma poarta incet incet de la Bacau la Bicaz. Sunt inconjurata de pretutindeni de infinite nuante de verde. Oamenii nici macar nu se vad. Trec absenti, grabiti, ingrijorati. Ramane numai frumusetea verdelui, lumina covarsitoare a fulgerelor si zgomotul zguduitor al tunetelor. Stropii de apa au incetat sa se mai loveasca brutal de fereastra personalului. Acum sunt prea demni, prea multi, prea puternici. Se vad ca o perdea care ma protejeaza si ma expune in acelasi timp naturii.

Simt cum aerul rece patrunde in compartiment si ma poarta cu amintirile spre vremurile copilariei, cu ploi lungi, indelung asteptate si foi mari de tutun. Privesc spre dealurile impadurite si pasunile de fan, dar ma vad pe mine din trecut, pe mine din vis. Deja a incetat sa mai fie o banala calatorie cu trenul. A devenit o modalitate de a restabili legatura dintre mine si mine. A depasit cotidianul si lumescul, a devenit o poarta spre visare si ideal...

Ma pierd cu gandurile si amintirile in fiecare din imaginile care mi se succed in fata ochilor. Ascult cu atentie muzica ploii, a tastelor si a trenului – melodie pe care demult imi doream sa o aud, dar ce care nu-mi imaginam ca ma voi bucura atat.

Drumurile au mereu magia lor. Cel de azi m-a facut sa redevin mica si sa imi doresc sa fiu scriitor.

Houses

People & their lives are just like house owners & their house.

Some throw a big party and everyone is invited, no matter how messy things might get, no matter how destroyed everything is afterwards. Others are a bit more cautius. They invite only a few people and they are very formal, as if they're testing the neighbours to see if they are good enough for the house. There are also some people that just leave the front door open for anybody that is curious to come in. Usually, they also have a back door that is open at all times, so that nobody stays for too long. And let's not forget about the ones that simply lock their house and won't open to anybody. They might go pay some visits to others' place, but they almost never let anybody in.

But by far, I think the most interesting people are the ones that never seems to be at home and leave the door unlocked every now and then. Those houses look simply amazing and intriguing. The best part is that you never know what you're gonna get when you arrive. Sometimes, the door won't open and sometimes the owner waits for you with backed cookies. Most of the times he/she will be outside on the porch and will offer you a warm smile or you'll have an insignificant chit chat. It's not actually worth coming back, but for some reason you simply can't resist and you come back over and over again. You always hope that next time you'll get to see more of the mysterious house. At some point, maybe you will. Or maybe you won't. It's a risk you have to take. Till when? Only the house owner can tell, but (s)he's never saying anything about this.

I'm done waiting for a chance to see more. I move on. I'll look for some other interesting houses & house owners. But just so you know, I'll come back when you'll invite me.

Very, very, very random

Somes scared me today. It looked so angry and the scent was awful. I thought it'll swallow me if I don't run faster on the bridge. I want to be a lamb cause I'll be cute & curly & I'll have four legs to touch the ground. The red cherries on a white plate are the most beautiful thing you can bring for midday, indoor picnic If I were a lamp, I would love to be forgotten on a boat near a lake. I would have endless conversations with the water, the wind and the polite fishes.

Beautiful day

Some days are sad, some are overwhelming, some are interesting, some are ok and some are simply beautiful. Yesterday was more than happy Thursday, it was beautiful Thursday. The ingredients? A training on leadership with some AHA moments, a late lunch with a person I'm still discovering, a challenging walk on Cetatuie (not all skirts are compatible with the rocks, the steps and the nettles) with a surprising person that shared my passion for NGOs, social entrepreneurship and Buenos Aires and then a walk in the park.

Yesterday was about beauty, about surprising things, about new places in Cluj, about people with whom I have a good time, about new ideas and old dreams. All these made me appreciate my life in Cluj even more and be grateful one more time I decided to stay here and not run away...

Happiness is just around the corner. All I have to do is walk towards it.

Really proud of TOASTMASTERS

Yesterday was a bad day. I always have a bad day before an exam if I don't feel prepared. I really didn't feel like going out of my room. I just wanted to sleep the day away (and today as well). But since I had a role in Toastmasters meeting, I had to go. So put I on my favourite skirt and I went. And it was amazing!

By far, it was the best meeting I attended. We had an amazing toastmaster (the host of the meeting) that set the new standard for how a toastmaster should be, really funny topics for table topics session (I was laughing so much I could barely speak) and good speeches. I stayed somewhere in the back, observing everything & everyone. I simply loved what I saw! I'm pretty sure that from now on we'll continue having the same high quality meetings, maybe with even more members.

I'm still smiling & feeling proud of Toastmasters! Definitely, joining it it was one of the best decisions I made this year :)

Do you know?

Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much I need you in my life? Do you know you make me smile? Do you know how much I appreciate you? Do you know I envy you? Do you know I pray for you every night? Do you know you are my role models? Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know that just seeing you makes my day? Do you know how grateful I am for having you in my life? Do you know you inspire me? Do you know how deeply sorry I am for everything I did? Do you know I'm waiting for you?

Most probably all these "you" are not reading my blog and most probably some of them don't even know how often I think about them nor what I think about them. Tonight I was in a very weird mood... I didn't feel like talking to anybody, I panicked for a kind of stupid reason, I remembered and decided to forget some things, but more than anything I thought about the important persons in my life, whether they are still around or not...

For all the important "you" in my life (just hoping that at some point I'll be able to say it or prove in a way you'll understand)...

20th May

Today is a special day.

About a month ago I decided that 20th May is the deadline by which I establish what I will do during the summer time. And guess what? I already made up my mind. And it's quite related to what I've been doing for the past 3 summers: something related to internationalism and volunteering. This time, it will not be abroad and it will not be related to AIESEC. It's in Cluj and it's about Habitat for Humanity (http://habitatcluj.ro ). I'm pretty excited about this, as volunteering for HFH (especially the building houses part) is one of my bucket list items :)

Besides this, in July I will spend some time at home and I'll go to Cerna. Oh... and I will go for 1 weekend to the seaside with one of the persons I love the most (when you read this, remember it & clear a weekend :D).

It's gonna be a nice summer :)