living in the shadow

I really think that little things are actually those who can change your life or at least they initiate the change. Little things... we all say that we should take them more into consideration in our daily life. It's true... many times joy comes from a smile we see on a child's face, from a really friendly "hello" that comes from someone you know, from a shiny day or from the flowers you see in the park. But also little things can hurt you or at least they make you feel really uncomfortable.

Today was a really special day... Because of the little things, of course. There were little things that made me smile, like my red boots or my earings, the talks I had with some people in AIESEC, the dice on which was written "tomorrow", the hugs everyone gave me, Roxi's smile when watching me and so on. But there were also some little things that made me feel uncomfortable, that reminded me that almost all my life I lived in the shadow. I really don't want to do this anymore, but apparently I'm not trying hard enough. Let's hope that tomorrow I will shine because I'm me and not because I'm hanging around with some persons.

More about the shining me later on...

feelings :)

Camera nu e mare, maronie si cu geamuri imense, dar goala.... Nu e asa... E mare, intr-adevar. Dar peretii sunt colorati. Unul e crem, unul e jumatate rosu intens si jumatate maro inchis cu pete negre, altul e verde - un verde frumos, pasnic, armonic. Iar al patrulea perete este din geamuri, geamuri care se deschid spre exterior, dar care in ultima vreme au fost un pic stricate si nu m-au lasat sa le deschid. Acum, unul e larg deschis, iar altul e crapat, cum ar zice o colega de camera. Le va veni randul tuturor sa permita aerului intrus sa patrunda in interior si printr-o adiere blanda sau prea furtunoasa sa schimbe nuanta peretilor.

Si, evident, camera nu e goala. Nu are tot ce ii trebuie, ii lipseste chiar o parte foarte importanta. Numai ca inca nu s-a gasit lampadarul care sa se potriveasca cu stilul ciudatel, cu marimea camerei si cu celelalte obiecte din ea; inca lipseste lumina care sa puna in valoare stropii ciudati de culoare.... Oricum, ceea ce a uitat camera e ca soarele straluceste cel putin 10 ore pe zi, ore in care nu e stringenta existenta lampadarului. Culorile au uitat cum e mangaierea blanda a razelor de soare, dar incep sa isi aminteasca, incetul cu incetul. Poate ele au uitat de soare pentru ca oglinda din mijloc a dat dovada de un egoism crud si a reflectat toata lumina blanda inapoi, nelasand nici culorile si nici scheletul de pat ce sta undeva, ascuns, mic si timid. Numai ca azi oglinda a decis sa ia o pauza si sa lase lumina sa patrunda pentru a atinge si a evidentia cu mangaierea ei suava peretele verde.

Pe geam a intrat o frunza vesela de toamna...

Casa, dolce casa

I'm home now... :)

Yep, back home, in the small Calarasi. The really cool thing is that I actually feel home. It's a cosy, warm place where I can laugh, cry, make a tantrum or just ask to be spoiled and actually be spoiled :).

I love being home. For me being in this apartment on the 3rd floor is like being stuck in time. Everything is the same... The same furniture, the same green (some say too green) walls in my room, same atmosphere, same smell. It's unbelievable how in this flat time simply doesn't pass by. Even though everything changes outside, here is the same. And I like it. It's like a fortress where you can come and hide or plan your strategy whenever enemies attack you. I'm pretty sure that in this air is something that gives me strength whenever I need it. I wish I could bottle it and take it with me wherever I go. But for now I will take a really deep breath and try to preserve this place in my memory...

A toast for the perfect immortality of my home!

autumn day

Sadness... I suppose I forgot how it feels to be sad. Too bad that my brain or my heart refuse to protect me from tis feeling. Maybe it's natural to be sad now and then or maybe not. But today I feel like I'm drowning in "butoiul cu melancolie". I'm sad because I feel alone (ironically, now I am alone in the room loking at the shelf in front of me and the "smiling" curtain we have in the room). I'm alone because I don't feel the people around me... I don't know where they are. I feel like I got lost from them, that now I'm in the woods and all around me there are only grey trees without leaves.

It's so strange (and a little bit absurd). I'm having again that feeling that my presence disturbs the others,that it would be better for everyone if I just went somewhere really far and I disappeared from their lives. And what makes me sad is that I just can't do this... I can't go away and leave things unfinished. Besides, there are so many things I want to do here, so many objectives that I want to accomplish, so many fears I want to overcome...

I don't like being alone. I need some persons in my life with whom I could talk everytime I feel like doing it and everytime they feel like talking to me. I need my friends back. I need to remember what they mean for me and I don't want to leave unimportant but urgent things to keep me away from the persons I really care about. And now this is exactly what is happening. I'm too far from my friends (even though I see them almost daily). I'm too far from what's happening in their lives.

I know that instead of complaining I should be looking for a solution (other than chocolate) to get rid of this extremely uncomfortable feeling. But just this time I wished somebody entered that awful white door of the room and smile at me or hug me sincerely.

red

I remember when I wrote my first post... I was wondering whether I was red or green... And I made up my mind. I'm not red, I'm green... My personality is to complex to reduce it to one colour. Not even 2 are enough. But what I can say is that every time the red prevails in my life, I'm happy. And today I is my red day (maybe because I bought myself a really soft and lovely red sweater:) ). Yes... it is my red day because of several reasons (one of them is that I took the decision to go to Germany this winter; and I think that is going to be the most beautiful present for my birthday). I'm red because I finally took the courage to write a mail I wanted to write all this week, because I did what I was supposed to do, because I ate with my roommate, because I saw people smiling at me on the street :)... and, of course, I ate chocolate today ;)
I'm so curious about tomorrow... I don't know if it's gonna be red or green or blue or yellow, but I'm sure it's gonna be a interesting day. I just hope I'll be able to do all the things I want to do :) But what I can tell you for sure is that tomorrow I'm gonna put on my red shoes and I'm gonna smile and be more optimistic than I've been the last days.

Too many "I" in my blog... (Un)fortunately, I'm still an independent person.

My dreams :)

I just saw a friend's status: "Follow your dreams". And I started thinking again about MY dreams... And the best thing about my dreams is that I feel them, I see myself while living them, I know that I'm dreaming my dreams and not somebody else's dream. And I feel like sharing these dreams with almost everybody (however, I would feel better if the people that don't trust me don't read this).

This year I decided that it's time I do what I want for about 5-6 years... I will learn German. On Monday I will register to the classes from the German Cultural Center and I will definitely learn German this year (at least I will reach a medium level of knowledge). And I also want to start improving my French. I can't wait for the moment when I will be able to say that I can speak fluently French (but for Romanian, it's the only language that I see myself speaking).

And, of course, related to my studies, there is another thing... This year I will apply for and I will obtain a scholarship in Belgium, France, Holland or UK (hopefully, I will go to UK). I really want to study abroad. And I realized that if I obtain this scholarship I will challenge myself in a domain I didn't do it before. And now I think I'm ready to do this. I think I have enough self-confidence and that I can obtain the knowledge I need in order to do things the way I want, to do them at my standards.

And last, but not my least, I will do something that I consider a really big accomplishment in my AIESEC "career". Next summer, I want to be CC at IC. And the best thing about this is that I see myself there, I see myself working in an international environment, I see myself improving my networking skills, I see myself traveling for almost 20 hours... I have no doubts that I will be accepted. :) And still, I have a really good back-up plan... X (and, in order to make a number for the next VP X, it will even be X with leadership :)

These are my dreams now... And I really believe in them... And I feel strong and confident enough in order to achieve them... I'm so anxious.... However, another thing that I have to do in order to be really, really happy when I will reach all these dreams is the fact that I want to reach the objectives I set for the next 3 months (in AIESEC, at school, at gym).

I feel that the next year is gonna be incredible... And only the thought that I know what I want makes me feel at ease with myself... But I'm sure that no matter what I will be really happy :)... because this is what I want... I want to be happy. And today is the best day to start this.

p.s: this extremely positive post comes today due to the fact that today I realized that I lost some weight (some might not agre with this statement, but what it matters is what I want) :P

KISS

Desi imi place foarte mult sa vorbesc (mai mult sau mai putin la obiect), cand vine vorba de scris, nu pot sa spun ca aspectul cantitativ primeaza (asta nu inseamna ca cel calitativ primeaza). De aceea, m-am hotarat ca de acum inainte sa postez exact ce simt, cand simt, cat simt. Stiu ca e destul de self-centered ce am scris si poate putin imatur, dar asa simt acum.

Acum cateva minute am constat (dupa ce am incheiat o convorbire pe mess cu cea mai draga prietena a mea) ca de cele mai multe ori le spun celor din jurul meu sa aiba grija de ei si de cei din jurul lor. Si ce mi-am mai dat seama a fost faptul ca eu nu fac asta de obicei. Nu am grija de cei din jurul meu. Mi s-a intamplat de multe ori sa imi dau seama ca am jignit pe cineva sau ca nu l-am ajutat pe cat as fi putut. O sa incerc din rasputeri ca de acum inainte chiar sa fac ceea ce spun. Sa nu mai vorbesc in zadar, sa nu mai spun vorbe goale. Si daca eu le spun celorlalti sa aiba grija de cei din jurul lor, atunci si eu ar trebui sa fac acelasi lucru.

My commitment for today: o sa apreciez mai mult si o sa cresc relatiile pe care le am cu oamenii la care simt ca tin.