autumn day

Sadness... I suppose I forgot how it feels to be sad. Too bad that my brain or my heart refuse to protect me from tis feeling. Maybe it's natural to be sad now and then or maybe not. But today I feel like I'm drowning in "butoiul cu melancolie". I'm sad because I feel alone (ironically, now I am alone in the room loking at the shelf in front of me and the "smiling" curtain we have in the room). I'm alone because I don't feel the people around me... I don't know where they are. I feel like I got lost from them, that now I'm in the woods and all around me there are only grey trees without leaves.

It's so strange (and a little bit absurd). I'm having again that feeling that my presence disturbs the others,that it would be better for everyone if I just went somewhere really far and I disappeared from their lives. And what makes me sad is that I just can't do this... I can't go away and leave things unfinished. Besides, there are so many things I want to do here, so many objectives that I want to accomplish, so many fears I want to overcome...

I don't like being alone. I need some persons in my life with whom I could talk everytime I feel like doing it and everytime they feel like talking to me. I need my friends back. I need to remember what they mean for me and I don't want to leave unimportant but urgent things to keep me away from the persons I really care about. And now this is exactly what is happening. I'm too far from my friends (even though I see them almost daily). I'm too far from what's happening in their lives.

I know that instead of complaining I should be looking for a solution (other than chocolate) to get rid of this extremely uncomfortable feeling. But just this time I wished somebody entered that awful white door of the room and smile at me or hug me sincerely.