this is me

Probably now I'm doing the biggest error: I'm all alone in my room, I watched again the record with my professional presentation and the Q&A session and everything that popped into my mind started with "I should have been...".

I want to move on, I want to focus on something else, I want to cry or to find a way of letting out all the confusion and the sadness, but I can't. I'm here all alone and it hurts. It's not unbearable, it's not that kind of pain that destroys me, but it's persistent and it doesn't disappear. Maybe I can't find a way of expressing myself maybe I want someone to come and get me out of this place. I know for sure that I don't want people to feel pity for me. And I want them to want and to be able to respect my wishes and my needs, but I saw that they can't... I had the hunch that they won't be able to do it... and again, I had a good hunch.

Instead, what do I do? I keep listening "Good bye my love good bye". Yesterday morning when I decided to go shopping I had this song in my mind... and the only thing I heard was "Good Bye". Now, after listening it over and over I hear only the end "I come back to you". I will come back to AIESEC. The only thing I don't know is when I will do it fully and being able to look them in the eyes and honestly be glad for them.

I received as a feedback that I'm not organized... they are right. As you can see from this post, I only have random thoughts... And randomly said now, what annoys me the most is that I know I will understand the reasons he didn't elect me and I won't be angry with him. Instead of anger that comes and goes it will remain the haunting memory of my first failure... Some may say I was lucky to live 20 years without actually failing in anything.

I keep asking myself what did I learn from this experience... so far, that if I dress nice I feel more self confident (so don't be surprised if you see me wearing high heels or skirts) and that I'm too proud to allow myself to feel bad or not to act with maturity. Hopefully, more lessons will come these days.

For now I will put on my red high heels and prepare to see the beauty around me :)