uffa

I broke a promise today. And I'm still thinking how I feel... when I realise, maybe I'll share

Later edit:
I feel guilty for breaking a promiss. What I learned is that I MUST think twice before saying something. And this is what I want to do from now on. Actually take time and think about what I want to do, what I say. Even though I strongly believe in my firstreaction, I don't have the time, the energy nor the strength to do what I want when I first hear about something.

I'm really sorry I wasn't there with you. But I hope you understand I feel I'm walking on thin ice and I actually thought that being there would be something too big and not fully sincere. And if there is something I really want to do from now is being sincere to you...

A leader I know

I kept thinking these days about leaders. Who they are, how they are, what they do and most important what is the impact they have. And I realised that the best example lives right here, with me. It's my mami.

I took advantage of this time home and I talked more and more with her about her, not about me. And I was so happy to see a person that is truely dedicated to what she does, that actually inspires the people with whom she works, that she teaches the others and knows how to put in value the strenghts of the epople she works with. I always knew my mami is a very nice person that everybody likes but I never perceived her as a leader. However, this week that I spent home, while talking to her and people that work with her I realised that she is truely amazing.

What I like the most about mami is that she keeps a balance: a balance between being people oriented and results oriented, a balance between friendship and professional relation, a balance between her family and work. When I was a little girl (as every spoiled kid) I wanted my parents all for myself and I was so upset when they didn't come home at 5 o'clock that I refused afterwards to tell them that I need them, so I kind of pushed them apart. Only now, looking back, I realise that my mami is not a workaholic person, but is a person who actually managed to raise a kid (who turned up pretty good, I say ;) ) and also have a career.

Leaders make changes... She didn't change a situation, she changed the people. She actually discovered that good thing that lies in every person with whom she worked , focused on tahat and helped them develop. I admire here for this (mainly because I'm not able to do it). She's that kind of person who gives a second chance and makes sure that the person who receives it values it and uses it fully. Yesterday it was St. Stephen and she recieved tones of flowers. This is what she likes the most (I'm her daughter and I have to admit that in my dreamworld everytime is my birthday I receive maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany flowers) and this is what makes her happy. I think I spent last night the most precious moments with mami when when we arranged the flowers and talked about what happened lately at work or with my family.

Games

I love playing games too much. I wish I could say I'm sorry that some of us get hurt, but I'm not. I simply enjoy playing with situations, sometimes with some people, I enjoy too much to be in the same time a loser and a winner, to plan and act and, the most important, to disregard the consequences.

I'm happy I can still afford to treat my life as a continuous game. I wonder till when I can do it without missing the essence...

feelings

Prea multe lucruri nerezolvate, prea multe lucruri amanate, prea multe lucruri nespuse... Credeam ca le pot lasa la Cluj, in camera, intr-un colt stingher al patului, insa se pare ca se incapataneaza sa ma urmareasca pretutindeni. Prea multe intrebari pentru care nu am curaj sa imi gasesc raspunsul, prea multe schimari pe care vreau sa le fac, prea multe griji...

Nu sunt sentimente normale pentru aceasta perioada a anului. Mi-as dori sa ma pot bucura de ceea ce traiesc, de prietenii dragi pe care ii revad, de momentele petrecute doar cu mine. Cu toate acestea, imi tot suna in cap o replica dintr-un film pe care am incercat sa il vad, insa am adormit (Roxi, dupa 3 luni de stat impreuna se pare ca m-am molipsit de la tine :) ): "I don't like myself that much"... Am avut o perioada in care am facut numai lucruri alandala, in care nu am stiut sa pretuiesc oamenii de langa mine si nici ceea ce fac pentru mine, iar acum vreau sa sterg totul si sa imi incep o viata noua. Dar pana si asta mi-e frica sa fac...

Vreau sa incep sa imi raspund la intrebari, vreau sadepasesc starea asta de melancolie pe care o am aproape in fiecare an in preajma Craciunului, vreau sa fiu impacata cu mine, cu felul in care ma port, cu felul in care arat, cu ceea ce exprim... Vreau, vreau, vreau... Tot anul am vrut. Si ce am facut? Aproape nimic... Nu stiu de ce, dar daca acum ma uit inapoi nu vad decat lucrurile urate si pe cele care nu s-au intamplat, nu vad decat jumatatea goala a paharului... Sunt prea adanc scufundata in butoiul cu melancolie. Nici macar cadourile de Craciun nu ma fac sa zambesc asa cum o fac de obicei... Am nevoie sa am langa mine oamenii la care tin. Si sunt prea putini aici...

Mi-e dor...

so me, so now

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

Enthusiastic :)

The 7 Secrets of Highly Successful People

My Result: Enthusiastic

Your zeal for life can be infectious because you tend to take on the things you do with fervor and passion. You also place value on being well liked and developing and maintaining good work relationships.

Your positive energy and attitude can be an inspiration to co-workers. They likely feel that your presence makes the workweek go by much more easily. When problems do arise around the office, you might find that you are one of the first people called upon to resolve them.

Your diplomatic nature can make you a natural when it comes to conflict resolution because you seek ways to keep all parties satisfied. This skill can make you a popular leader. By keeping long-term ambitions in mind, you realize that fair policies make for good business.


Projecting positivity wherever you go is a quality that is not easily acquired by others. More than most, you have a knack for saying the right thing at the right time.

Take this test >

:) for my roomies :)

" - Silvia, tu cum te vezi in viitor?
- [...] singura [...]
- [...] singura, asa ma gandeam si eu"

" - Silvia, pe tine cine te dadaceste?
- Nimeni"

" - Noi despre ce vorbim?
- Despre AIESEC, despre baieti (mai rar), despre noi, despre durerile noastre"

These are the most important words I exchanged in the last months with those around me. Like milestones in my dialogues. These are the words that challenged my worldview, that made me think about myself, about my relations with the others. And each of these words made me feel in a certain way, made me want more and more from me.

The greatest thing about this is not that I changed, that I grew, but the fact that all these were said by my 2 best friends. And it's comfortable to know that you have friends that challenge you, that support you, that you love :)

Thanks a lot girls for everything you did for me :)

that's true...

Silvia, your dream job is to be President

Unlike some people, your dream job doesn't involve lying on the beach somewhere or being paid to take naps. No, you love to get things done and get them done right (or at least, your way). That's why your dream job is to be president! Can't you just picture it? Being in charge and making the really important decisions? Changing the world each and every day? And forget about flying coach — you've got Air Force One. We bet that sounds like heaven for a driven go-getter like you.

Of course you don't have to come in first at the polls to succeed. As long as you remember to keep asking questions and demanding change, your vision can still help make the world a better place.

my new passion- gifts

"Some men throw their gifts away on a life of mediocrity, great men throw everything they have into their gifts and achieve a life of success."
-- Greg Werner

one team, one smile :)

ONE TEAM, ONE SINCERE SMILE :)

We want to create an original environment through unity, responsibility and self awareness where our delegates begin their flight to SUCCESS!

It's a tie :)... ain't it usually?

Which Disney Princess Are You?
	You are part Cinderella. You are hard-working and never complain, however, your trust is sometimes misplaced and people sometimes take advantage of you. Still, you are beautiful inside and out, and one day you will realize it and find true love.
	You are part Pocahontas. You defy convention and sometimes do what is considered taboo. Unfortunately, others do not always appreciate your differences, so it's good that you are so strong-willed. You are loyal and you believe in fate. Your true love will find you one day.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Dans in ploaie - Ana Blandiana

De mult timp nu m-a mai facut un vers sa ma cutremur toata... demult nu am mai simtit emotie citind o poezie, mai ales in fata calculatorului... Demult nu mi-am mai amintit de ceea ce eram si ceea ce faceam acum 6-7 ani, de intalnirile cu Lore in care discutam numai despre literatura... Demult nu mi-am mai amintit de pasiunea mea de a citi beletristica... Demult nu m-a influentat asa mult un prim vers...

Ana Blandiana - Dans în ploaie

Lăsaţi ploaia să mă îmbrăţişeze de la tâmple până la glezne,
Iubiţii mei, priviţi dansul acesta nou, nou, nou,
Noaptea-şi ascunde ca pe-o patimă vântul în bezne,
Dansului meu i-e vântul ecou.

De frânghiile ploii mă caţăr, mă leg, mă apuc
Să fac legătura-ntre voi şi-ntre stele.
Ştiu, voi iubiţi părul meu grav şi năuc,
Vouă vă plac flăcările tâmplelor mele.

Priviţi până o să vi se atingă privirea de vânt
Braţele mele ca nişte fulgere vii, jucăuşe -
Ochii mei n-au cătat niciodată-n pământ,
Gleznele mele n-au purtat niciodată cătuşe!

Lăsaţi ploaia să mă îmbrăţişeze şi destrame-mă vântul,
lubiţi-mi liberul dans fluturat peste voi -
Genunchii mei n-au sărutat niciodată pământul,
Părul meu nu s-a zbătut niciodată-n noroi!

ce face plictiseala din om

You Need Some Black in Your Life

Black will make you feel powerful, in control, and not bound to what other people think of you. And with a little black, you will project a aura of mystery, rebellion, and dominance. If you want people to respect you, you've got to get a little black in your life! For extra punch: Combine black with orange or red The downside of black: People won't be able to "read" you - and may perceive you as more aggressive than you actually are The consequences of more black in your life: You'll become a figure of intrigue and speculation You'll be better prepared for life's unknown path You'll rest better and free yourself of expectations

What Color Do You Need?

my 2 favourite colours: red & orange

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's

And now what?

As vrea sa imi iau un bilet dus spre Paris... Sa plec intr-o aventura noua, sa ma rup de tot ceea ce simt acum... Insa as pleca numai in timpul meu liber. Imi place proiectul la care lucrez acum si nu as renunta la el nicicand, insa cand vine vorba de timpul meu liber, de oamenii din jurul meu, de ceea ce fac cand nu ma gandesc la SprinCO... As vrea sa ma rup de tot universul asta... dintr-un motiv foarte simplu. Simt ca incep sa prind radacini si nu vreau lucrul asta. Mi-e mult mai simplu sa fiu elementul nou in decor, sa ma adaptez, sa cunosc superficial oamenii decat sa ma obisnuiesc intr-un loc, sa iau tot ceea mi se intampla cu implicati pe termen scurt si lung, sa lupt pentru unele lucruri sau persoane la care tin.

Sunt o persoana careia ii place sa straluceasca o data si apoi sa dispara, sa isi gaseasca un alt domeniu in care sa faca acelasi lucru. Incerc sa schimb oarecum lucrul asta, insa tendinta mea de a parasi locul in care ma aflu acum este mult prea puternica. Imi doresc sa plec undeva departe, unde nu cunosc pe nimeni, sa o iau de la 0 si sa nu mai faca atatea greseli in legatura cu cei din jurul meu. Dar stiu ca nu o sa fac lucrul asta. Pentru mine conteaza prea mult parerea anumitor persoane ca sa ma mai razgandesc inca o data, ca sa le mai uimesc si sa le mai dezamagesc inca o data.

Oamenilor le este in general frica de schimbare... mie mi-e frica de a ramane pe loc. Si nu pentru ca simt ca o sa stagnez ci pentru ca simt ca voi fi nevoita sa ii las pe cei care ma stiu sa ma cunoasca. Mi-e teama de lucrul asta si pana acum am incercat sa il evit cat de mult am putut. Dar oare de acum inainte ce va fi? Imi doresc sa termin facultatea cat mai repede ca sa pot pleca din Cluj, sa ma rup de mediul in care sunt acum in care, desi imi place, nu vreau sa raman prinsa.

Ma simt ciudat acum pentru ca nu am programul full si pentru ca am timp sa ma gandesc la mine, am timp sa imi pun intrebari si sa imi raspund la ele, am timp de mine si de ceilalti... insa fatidic moment, caci tocmai acum nimeni nu are timp de mine :(

Support

At the debriefing of tonight's team building, Deia said something very nice that really touched me and made me feel here and now. It was about a game where you're supossed to lift up from the ground together with a few other persons, in the same time. And what I will remember is how you feel when you are the one in the middle, in the spot light and how it feels when you support the others not to slip.

I know that now I'm in a support period of my life (at least in most aspects; friends, family, AIESEC). What I'm wondering is how I got here. Am I mature enough to be so, it was a choice I made without thinking about the consequences or is this a position that chose me? I really hope it was my decision and that I am mature enough not to feel de need to be in the spotlight. I really hope that I can leave others to enjoy the beauty of the spotlight, like I did or I didn't from some points of view.

However, something I kept asking myself for the last weeks is where those support persons get their energy. Do you need your own support? Do you take it from the others? It comes from inside? In my case, my energy comes from me and from the attitude that I chose towards things that happen. Is about noticing more people around, about discovering them, about laughing with all my heart and being challenged.

acasa- amalgam de bucurii

Imagine a whorl... A whorl full of colours, full of passion, full of shapes. This is me right now. I'm home and everything is going just the way I want it. I'm happy to have friends in my OC, I lost weight, my father trusts me to drive all by myself, my parents are great and they understand my decisions, I finally managed to transmit to the others the passion I put and the energy I take from AIESEC, I took a decision concerning my future, I realised that avoiding people won't get me anything good and that I will heel faster if I am around them, not apart from them.

I'm so happy and I wish the whole world was happy with me. I received a cute mail from my best friend, I found out that my dear Cami will come back home for Christmas, my grandfather feels better, the apple we have for 3 months is still alive, I saw some old pictures from highschool....

carte, ceai, muzica, dichis...

Poate v-ati dat seama despre ce este vorba... Daca nu, o sa va spun eu. Pentru mine, este vorba de cel mai frumos loc din tara asta, despre cea mai tare idee de business, despre un loc de care ma leaga enorm de multe amintiri placute, despre un loc al regasirii si al descoperirii. E CARTURESTI. E unul (si cel mai important) din cele 2 motive pentru care imi era dor de Bucuresti, pentru care din cand in cand imi doream cu ardoare sa plec din Cluj si sa ma afund intr-o carte buna la o masa intersanta si cu un ceainic in fata. Iar acum, believe it or not, e in Cluj!

Cand am vazut ca s-a deschis Carturesti in mall, un zabet imens mi-a inundat fata si o ciudata senzatie de familiaritate mi-a patruns in suflet. Gata! Clujul e acasa pentru mine! Simplul fapt ca stiu ca e acolo, ca ma asteapta cu un ceai si carti bune de fiecare data cand sunt foarte trista sau, dimpotriva, extrem de entuziasmata, simplul fapt ca locul meu preferat din tara exista acum si in Cluj, simplul fapt ca trebuie sa cobori niste scari pentru a ajunge in ceainarie si ca vezi pe raft cele mai faine carti ever ma face sa zambesc, sa fiu fericita si sa ma simt ACASA in Cluj!

decizii

Prefer sa nu spun ca nu am vointa... As spune mai degraba ca vointa este caracterizata, ca toate celelalte resurse, de raritate. Si tocmai din eceasta cauza trebuie sa am grija in ce scopuri o folosesc pentru a nu se termina prea repede. Ieri am luat o decizie (de fapt mai multe, dar toate cu acelasi scop: sa nu mai fiu trista pana prin martie) care implica o doza mare de vointa. De unde oare o sa o iau? Inca mai caut raspunsul.Poate, printr-o minune sau poate pur si simplu prin obisnuinta, o sa imi internalizez deciziile de ieri si o sa mi le respect. Desi nu ma asteptam, aseara am facut primii doi pasi.

Primii doi pasi care de obicei sunt cei mai grei. Si nu a fost unul singur, ci doi... si eu venit relativ involuntar (banuiesc ca asta inseamna ca o sa ma tin de deciziile mele). Cu toate acestea, azi subconstientul meu m-a tradat... Am avut cel mai ciudat vis din ultima vreme, dar care m-a facut extrem de zambareata si de fericita in mometul in care m-am trezit... si foarte dornica sa live life to the maximum. A fost un vis in care se intampla exact opusul a ceea ce imi propusem eu si care m-a facut sa ma simt exact asa cum nu ar fi trebuit. Nu imi lace cand subconstientul meu nu e de acord cu mine... Imi mai trebuie inca o doza de vointa ca sa pot sa il convng si pe el de ceea ce cred ca imi e mai bine... Si de unde sa iau atata vointa?

Gandirea mea destul de orientata spre soutii imi spune ca vointa asta e totusi o resursa substituibila... cu un pic de orgoliu. Asa ca o sa ma inarmez cu un strop ceva mai mare de orgoliu si o sa trec si peste asta!

Confused, but ever smiling :)

something I needed to say

I hope somebody hears this... I would say it, but they are "too busy" to do it.
Stop being too busy! Stop giving up at the others just because you are too busy!

distance

One of the words that describes me pretty well is "change". I like to change often the environment around me, to change my look, the way I act around people. Generally, I manage change successfully.

However, there is one type of change that I really don't like... And it takes me so long to accept it. It's about the distance between me and my friends that sometimes appears because of external factors. I don't like it, I try to respect it, but it's so hard for me to do it without a negative attitude. I'm pretty much aware that I should be more supportive and try not to take it personally, but there comes a time when it pops into my mind that friendship is a two ways street.

Looking back at the beginning of the summer, at my dreams back then I realise that now some of them came true. Unfortunately, it's not at all what I expected. More than that, the situation that I have to handle now makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I feel that at some point those around me were hypocrites just because they had to stick to the initial plan and didn't have the guts to do what they actually want. Now, this doesn't happen anymore. However, something else appeared: the distance....

And again it pops into my mind something I was thinking one night at Semenic... I resent the person that did this to what I wanted. Hopefully, the energy I have when it comes to working in AIESEC or for school will make me forget the feelings I have right now... Things will be better... I just have to find the resources inside me to smile sincerely, to respect and to understand.

Cu o floare nu se face primavara, dar cu un zambet da?

In seara asta am vazut primii fulgi de zapada. M-am simtit pierduta si coplesita de fericire atunci cand m-am uitat in sus si am simtit cum ma inunda fulgi timizi de zapada. A fost finalul unei zile cu multe incercari si inceputul alteia care isi striga inca de pe-acum sfarsitul.

Sunt fericita. Zambesc. Incerc sa impart cu toti buna dispozitie. Nu reusesc tot timpul. Lucrez ceea ce imi place. Absolut fiecare lucru din viata mea este in momentul asta asa cum mi-l doresc. Imi place ce fac la scoala, imi place ce fac in AIESEC, imi plac echipele cu care lucrez, imi place sa ma uit prin poze vechi, imi place sa retraiesc amintiri, imi place sa vorbesc cu prietenii mei.

Inainte gaseam sentientul de implinire sau fericire superficial. Dar acum imi dau seama cat e de complex. Si cat de mult seamana cu fractalii. In sfarsit imi dau seama cat de importanta e pasiunea in viata mea. Am infirmat raspunsul negativ pentru intrebarea pusa intr-o doara intr-o dupa-amiaza oarecare de un bun prieten. Raspunsul sec, un pic tacut, plecat in jos care a produs un ecou adanc in mine e in sfarsit infirmat....

Mi-e bine! Si pot spune asta cu cea mai mare sinceritate de care pot da dovada in momentul asta! P.S: E 3 AM si tati imi explica pe mess cum trebuie sa construiesc o roata... Ain't it funny?

One step closer...

It's so hard to try and write down what I feel right now... I'm happy, scared, satisfied, confident. I waited so long for this moment... And the most important thing about it is that I finally saw what I needed to feel. I saw in Ale's eyes that she trusts me, that they trust me. Now I'm a mix of intense feelings and unclear thoughts, of dreams that come true, of passion that won't be wasted on unworthy things or persons, like it was in the last two weeks.

I have a huge smile... I don't know if the others can see it, but I'm pretty sure that they feel it. It's like the smile you have when you see a mountain in front of you and you know that with a little bit of effort you can climb it. All it takes is trust, self-confidence, friends to work with, a lot of passion and fun!

revealing day

Astazi mi-am dat seama cat am crescut. Cat de mult am progresat in ultimul an, cat am invatat, de cate prejudecati am scapat si cum standardele mele inalte au devenit parca mai umane, dar in acelasi timp mai solide si mai usor de atins.


M-am surprins pe mine azi cu cata hotarare mi se articulau gandurile, cu cata pasiune mi-am imaginat ce va veni, cat de mult simt ca sunt gata sa dau din mine pentru a lucra pentru o confernta. Nu m-am simtit nicicand atat de motivata si nici atat de constienta de plusurile si minusurile pe care le am. Si partea buna e ca stiu cum sa mi le gestionez, cum sa imi dezvolt partile bune si cum sa traiesc cu cele mai putin tari, pana cand va trebui s amai lucrez la ele ca sa nu ma deranjeze. Sunt uimita ca acum sunt in sfarsit gata sa imi asum punctele tari si sa incerc sa le exploatez prin ceea ce fac.

Trebuie sa spun ca felul in care sunt acum se datoreaza AIESEC-ului si prietenilor pe care mi i-am facut aici. Scriam in ultima aplicare pe care am completat-o: "AIESEC is part of my life. It brought me joy, success, sadness and from time to time frustrations, but the most important thing for me is that now I have new perspectives, new plans, new standards, new friends." Sunt sigura ca sunt pregatita sa infrunt ceea ce o sa vina de acum inainte, indiferent daca va fi vorba de a face ceea ce imi doresc sau de a accepta o decizie a unor oameni care cred ca fac ceea ce e bine. Sunt sigura ca acum sunt suficient de matura incat sa pot lua tot ce e mai bun din ceea ce mi se intampla si ca voi sti sa reactionez atunci cand aripile frante si un pic blegute se refac.

Astept curioasa si amuzata ziua de marti :)

happy to be have them in my life

2 cups of Rooibos Orange, an unexpected hug from someone I care about, a talk with my best friend, a phone call from my favorite cousin :)

living in the shadow

I really think that little things are actually those who can change your life or at least they initiate the change. Little things... we all say that we should take them more into consideration in our daily life. It's true... many times joy comes from a smile we see on a child's face, from a really friendly "hello" that comes from someone you know, from a shiny day or from the flowers you see in the park. But also little things can hurt you or at least they make you feel really uncomfortable.

Today was a really special day... Because of the little things, of course. There were little things that made me smile, like my red boots or my earings, the talks I had with some people in AIESEC, the dice on which was written "tomorrow", the hugs everyone gave me, Roxi's smile when watching me and so on. But there were also some little things that made me feel uncomfortable, that reminded me that almost all my life I lived in the shadow. I really don't want to do this anymore, but apparently I'm not trying hard enough. Let's hope that tomorrow I will shine because I'm me and not because I'm hanging around with some persons.

More about the shining me later on...

feelings :)

Camera nu e mare, maronie si cu geamuri imense, dar goala.... Nu e asa... E mare, intr-adevar. Dar peretii sunt colorati. Unul e crem, unul e jumatate rosu intens si jumatate maro inchis cu pete negre, altul e verde - un verde frumos, pasnic, armonic. Iar al patrulea perete este din geamuri, geamuri care se deschid spre exterior, dar care in ultima vreme au fost un pic stricate si nu m-au lasat sa le deschid. Acum, unul e larg deschis, iar altul e crapat, cum ar zice o colega de camera. Le va veni randul tuturor sa permita aerului intrus sa patrunda in interior si printr-o adiere blanda sau prea furtunoasa sa schimbe nuanta peretilor.

Si, evident, camera nu e goala. Nu are tot ce ii trebuie, ii lipseste chiar o parte foarte importanta. Numai ca inca nu s-a gasit lampadarul care sa se potriveasca cu stilul ciudatel, cu marimea camerei si cu celelalte obiecte din ea; inca lipseste lumina care sa puna in valoare stropii ciudati de culoare.... Oricum, ceea ce a uitat camera e ca soarele straluceste cel putin 10 ore pe zi, ore in care nu e stringenta existenta lampadarului. Culorile au uitat cum e mangaierea blanda a razelor de soare, dar incep sa isi aminteasca, incetul cu incetul. Poate ele au uitat de soare pentru ca oglinda din mijloc a dat dovada de un egoism crud si a reflectat toata lumina blanda inapoi, nelasand nici culorile si nici scheletul de pat ce sta undeva, ascuns, mic si timid. Numai ca azi oglinda a decis sa ia o pauza si sa lase lumina sa patrunda pentru a atinge si a evidentia cu mangaierea ei suava peretele verde.

Pe geam a intrat o frunza vesela de toamna...

Casa, dolce casa

I'm home now... :)

Yep, back home, in the small Calarasi. The really cool thing is that I actually feel home. It's a cosy, warm place where I can laugh, cry, make a tantrum or just ask to be spoiled and actually be spoiled :).

I love being home. For me being in this apartment on the 3rd floor is like being stuck in time. Everything is the same... The same furniture, the same green (some say too green) walls in my room, same atmosphere, same smell. It's unbelievable how in this flat time simply doesn't pass by. Even though everything changes outside, here is the same. And I like it. It's like a fortress where you can come and hide or plan your strategy whenever enemies attack you. I'm pretty sure that in this air is something that gives me strength whenever I need it. I wish I could bottle it and take it with me wherever I go. But for now I will take a really deep breath and try to preserve this place in my memory...

A toast for the perfect immortality of my home!

autumn day

Sadness... I suppose I forgot how it feels to be sad. Too bad that my brain or my heart refuse to protect me from tis feeling. Maybe it's natural to be sad now and then or maybe not. But today I feel like I'm drowning in "butoiul cu melancolie". I'm sad because I feel alone (ironically, now I am alone in the room loking at the shelf in front of me and the "smiling" curtain we have in the room). I'm alone because I don't feel the people around me... I don't know where they are. I feel like I got lost from them, that now I'm in the woods and all around me there are only grey trees without leaves.

It's so strange (and a little bit absurd). I'm having again that feeling that my presence disturbs the others,that it would be better for everyone if I just went somewhere really far and I disappeared from their lives. And what makes me sad is that I just can't do this... I can't go away and leave things unfinished. Besides, there are so many things I want to do here, so many objectives that I want to accomplish, so many fears I want to overcome...

I don't like being alone. I need some persons in my life with whom I could talk everytime I feel like doing it and everytime they feel like talking to me. I need my friends back. I need to remember what they mean for me and I don't want to leave unimportant but urgent things to keep me away from the persons I really care about. And now this is exactly what is happening. I'm too far from my friends (even though I see them almost daily). I'm too far from what's happening in their lives.

I know that instead of complaining I should be looking for a solution (other than chocolate) to get rid of this extremely uncomfortable feeling. But just this time I wished somebody entered that awful white door of the room and smile at me or hug me sincerely.

red

I remember when I wrote my first post... I was wondering whether I was red or green... And I made up my mind. I'm not red, I'm green... My personality is to complex to reduce it to one colour. Not even 2 are enough. But what I can say is that every time the red prevails in my life, I'm happy. And today I is my red day (maybe because I bought myself a really soft and lovely red sweater:) ). Yes... it is my red day because of several reasons (one of them is that I took the decision to go to Germany this winter; and I think that is going to be the most beautiful present for my birthday). I'm red because I finally took the courage to write a mail I wanted to write all this week, because I did what I was supposed to do, because I ate with my roommate, because I saw people smiling at me on the street :)... and, of course, I ate chocolate today ;)
I'm so curious about tomorrow... I don't know if it's gonna be red or green or blue or yellow, but I'm sure it's gonna be a interesting day. I just hope I'll be able to do all the things I want to do :) But what I can tell you for sure is that tomorrow I'm gonna put on my red shoes and I'm gonna smile and be more optimistic than I've been the last days.

Too many "I" in my blog... (Un)fortunately, I'm still an independent person.

My dreams :)

I just saw a friend's status: "Follow your dreams". And I started thinking again about MY dreams... And the best thing about my dreams is that I feel them, I see myself while living them, I know that I'm dreaming my dreams and not somebody else's dream. And I feel like sharing these dreams with almost everybody (however, I would feel better if the people that don't trust me don't read this).

This year I decided that it's time I do what I want for about 5-6 years... I will learn German. On Monday I will register to the classes from the German Cultural Center and I will definitely learn German this year (at least I will reach a medium level of knowledge). And I also want to start improving my French. I can't wait for the moment when I will be able to say that I can speak fluently French (but for Romanian, it's the only language that I see myself speaking).

And, of course, related to my studies, there is another thing... This year I will apply for and I will obtain a scholarship in Belgium, France, Holland or UK (hopefully, I will go to UK). I really want to study abroad. And I realized that if I obtain this scholarship I will challenge myself in a domain I didn't do it before. And now I think I'm ready to do this. I think I have enough self-confidence and that I can obtain the knowledge I need in order to do things the way I want, to do them at my standards.

And last, but not my least, I will do something that I consider a really big accomplishment in my AIESEC "career". Next summer, I want to be CC at IC. And the best thing about this is that I see myself there, I see myself working in an international environment, I see myself improving my networking skills, I see myself traveling for almost 20 hours... I have no doubts that I will be accepted. :) And still, I have a really good back-up plan... X (and, in order to make a number for the next VP X, it will even be X with leadership :)

These are my dreams now... And I really believe in them... And I feel strong and confident enough in order to achieve them... I'm so anxious.... However, another thing that I have to do in order to be really, really happy when I will reach all these dreams is the fact that I want to reach the objectives I set for the next 3 months (in AIESEC, at school, at gym).

I feel that the next year is gonna be incredible... And only the thought that I know what I want makes me feel at ease with myself... But I'm sure that no matter what I will be really happy :)... because this is what I want... I want to be happy. And today is the best day to start this.

p.s: this extremely positive post comes today due to the fact that today I realized that I lost some weight (some might not agre with this statement, but what it matters is what I want) :P

KISS

Desi imi place foarte mult sa vorbesc (mai mult sau mai putin la obiect), cand vine vorba de scris, nu pot sa spun ca aspectul cantitativ primeaza (asta nu inseamna ca cel calitativ primeaza). De aceea, m-am hotarat ca de acum inainte sa postez exact ce simt, cand simt, cat simt. Stiu ca e destul de self-centered ce am scris si poate putin imatur, dar asa simt acum.

Acum cateva minute am constat (dupa ce am incheiat o convorbire pe mess cu cea mai draga prietena a mea) ca de cele mai multe ori le spun celor din jurul meu sa aiba grija de ei si de cei din jurul lor. Si ce mi-am mai dat seama a fost faptul ca eu nu fac asta de obicei. Nu am grija de cei din jurul meu. Mi s-a intamplat de multe ori sa imi dau seama ca am jignit pe cineva sau ca nu l-am ajutat pe cat as fi putut. O sa incerc din rasputeri ca de acum inainte chiar sa fac ceea ce spun. Sa nu mai vorbesc in zadar, sa nu mai spun vorbe goale. Si daca eu le spun celorlalti sa aiba grija de cei din jurul lor, atunci si eu ar trebui sa fac acelasi lucru.

My commitment for today: o sa apreciez mai mult si o sa cresc relatiile pe care le am cu oamenii la care simt ca tin.

Objectives

Today I reached the first important objective I set in the last 5 months. And I feel good. I'm not extremly surprised, but I'm happy. And I feel like sharing this with everybody. I finally realised that if you really want something and if you really believe that you can do it, sooner or later it will come true. I feel so good... an I'm proud of myself that I finally managed to acomplish something I want consciounsly.

But what's the most important is that now I feel ready to move on. And I'm aware that I can do what I want. It's not that hard after all...

empty

This is how I feel now. Empty... without dreams, without hope, without ambition, without passion. I don't feel like talking to anyone, I can't stand to see myself, I want to have many people around me, but when I meet them, I only smile and I look through them. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't have ambition to finish the things I started. I want to do only things that hurt or destroy me and I cannot explain this to myself.

A few days ago I finally realised that I'm the one who can control my feelings, but now I feel too lazy or too lost in my thoughts and feelings and ex-dreams and I don't find the power to say "Today I'm gonna smile and I'm gonna be happy!". I say that I want to get rid of this awful me, but actually I don't really want it. I don't even know what I want right now, but I know what I need.

Can you make laugh?

If

I don't like reading poems. Maybe because I don't understand them, maybe because I expect more from them, maybe because I find myself in them too much. And still, for the first time I recognised my values in this poem. Thanks a lot teach for making me larn this poem 8 years ago.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

21 words

I saw this on tudor's blog... people who try to define themselves in 21 words. This is me:
copil
culoare
carte
prieteni
singuratate
ciocolata
cluj
AIESEC
zambet
plans
dorinta
tensiune
kundera
cosmin
rasfat
a rade
libertate
independenta
pasiune
calatorie
muzica.
These are the things that define me, that influenced me the most, that left a mark on my soul. Maybe in a few months some of the words will be replaced with others, but now this is me... I'll do this again after the first important thing that will happen to me. I'm curious to see wether the words that don't define my values or my principles will change and whit what they will be replaced.
Who are you in 21 words?

red vs green

I like colours. It's so hard for me to say which one of them is my favourite. Maybe because I'm the grey type of person I cannot identify myself with only one colour. I love them all. Each colour is for me another feeling, another experience. However, I think the one that will always havee a special place in my heart is RED. Maybe because I'm a faithful person and red was my favourite colour when I was a little girl. Or maybe because it has in it all the passion that sometimes I have and sometimes I long to have. And there is also green... Green gives me power, makes me smile, enables me to keep on dreaming.

But why red vs green? Because I don't know what way should I choose. I associate red with what I want to do right now and green with the rational decisions that I take. It's a bit odd cause now I'm a mix of colours... When it comes to others, I somehow find the strength to be green and to take decisions after analysing the situation, no matter what I feel about that situation... But when it comes to myself, things aren't so clear because I only judge with my little, a bit empty and a bit broken heart. So what am I? Am I green or red or grey or an awful colour that results when you mix red and green?

I know it seems an odd post, but now I really need to find my colour because for the first time in my life I'm aware that I'll have to face too many new and serious situations...

Just me