A better me :P

I'm home for Christmas. 25th wasn't such a great day and I was really moody all day long. I actually realised why. Because I was wasting my time. When I was in highschool, I used to love that. Even now, when I am in Cluj, I find myself wasting my time and just looking at nothing instead of studying or doing something useful. But something is different now. I'm not sure why nor how, I strted feeling miserable if I waste my time. I don't think I realized how valuable it is, but I just think that I have in my mind the fact that if I ant to reach my objective(s), I really have to stick to a pretty strict schedule. And I like doing it! That's the big change!
So, I think that doing things is the second best Christmas present I received (the best one is still Very Irresistible).

It seems a nice start towards the better me. The second step is being less selfish and it started a few days ago, but let's see how it goes tomorrow and especially the day after tomorrow.

Silvia, not so Grinch mood as yesterday :)

Ganduri

Imi trec prin cap ca nebunele. Vin, se intersecteaza, fac accidente, nasc alte ganduri. E nebunia furtunii in mine. Astept ziua de maine sa ma calmez si sa gandesc rational.

The passion

I have no idea what I will do in 20 years from now. I don't know where I will be nor with whom. But I do know one thing: I will understand passion.

I am one of the lucky ones that did something they were passionate about. I do know the feelings, the look, the motivation, the way you wake up. I have no idea if in 20 years from now I will be passionate about what I will be doing. What I do know is that I will recognize pasion around me and I will understand and respect it. A lot!

Again bullets?

Ok... So many things happened... So many things and feelings that I would love to talk about... Still, apparently anything I'm writting doeasn't sound the way it should. So I'm just going to use bullets (this comes from working with Adela):

• I was selected for IPM 2009! I'm so happy! But since it's true I don't know how to enjoy good things, I am only thinking that I have to take exams and I am more satisfied for having passed the selection procedure than for having been accepted in the team (still, I can't wait to get there and meet all my friends and all the other persons in the CC)
• I started talking again with one of my extremly dear friends and I feel so much better that now we are even and that we have the same close relation we used to have before
• Marta and Melanie left Cluj; I was sad but still very happy for having met them (can't wait to visit them in Germnay and in Poland)
• talking to my CC from Brasil! I miss them so much!
• I had a lovely breakfast with Vladutz and Mo (I realized once again how lucky I am to know people like them)
• LCC 2008 - I was secretary (I think I'm really good at it) and I had a lot of fun with Mo, I got to know some of teh new members (I feel so much better now), I was there for my friends and for the persons that had the guts to run for EB 2009/2010. I saw them when the results where announced and I was impressed with their reaction. It was so mature and all of them made me proud again. It's a bit weird because at first I didn't want to go (I'm still wandering how it would have been if I were in the EB), but I just couldn't said no when Vlad asked me to come.
• Reading old emails - I read all the old emails from Ade, Mali, Lore...
• I did receive a gift from Saint Nick! I saw it on my bed last night when I came back home. I was so surprised and happy!

You know, this week I felt appreciated!

Good news!

Dear CC in the new and expanded version!
How are you all?
Well this email is a short-long informative one but also a HUGE WELCOME TO OUR NEW ARRIVALS!!!
Everybody please give a warm round of applause... virtually J to...

Delegate Servicing Team Leader who i will gladly pass on as he knows already a nice handful of work :D
- Joao Alvares – Portugal/Brasil
And his servicing team (we will need some team servicing too guys!)
Silvia Patrascu - Romania
Sylvia Cubillo – Costa Rica
Mulugeta Kahsay- Ethiopia
Felipe Cavallini – Costa Rica

Communications Teamster
- Vladimir Vujatovic – Serbia ... who will be working with Olivera, Valerio and our MCVP Communications DORA

Finance Teamsters
- Abhimanyu Choudhary - India
- Luna Ferolla - Brasil
Who are in the GRINFIE (look it up hehehehe its italian) of Our Renata Tonioooooooolu

External Relations Teamster
- Saba Kahsay - Ethiopia
Who is joining the most male dominated but female led team for ER

Events
- Igor Isotov - Macedonia
- Sara Boni Barbosa - Brasil
Who together with Anabella will be riding the Event wave J well also propelling, organising.. logisticising all of it

Definitie

Am gasit o definitie pentru un termen care ma bazaie de foarte mult timp... pentru "acasa".

Asadar, acasa reprezinta complexul umano-spatial de care ti-e dor si care iti simte lipsa, unde te poti ascunde si de unde iti vine energia pentru a infrunta lumea de-afara.

Conform acestei definitii, acasa pentru mine e vechiul acasa, casa alor mei cu camera mea obscen de verde si cu oglinzile imense si pe peste tot. Ma duc acasa peste 2 zile! Me happy!

The journey

"The journey is the reward"... That was the motto of NaLDS.

My journey... well, it was full of discoveries... some made me very happy, some made me a bit sad, some surprised me, some didn't make me react at all. My journey is about to finish (at least the phisical one in Germany). But I have to confess that being in Germany was exactly how I dreamt it would be. It gave me the exact feelings I was looking for. And for this I still love Germany. For many others, I don't like it that much.

If I were to put in a few words what I learnt in this journey, I think those words would be: surprise, emotion, naked me, humbleness and hard work.

Maybe I will write more about these things when I will get home (I can't wait for that moment).

Oh... and something important... NaLDS didn't offer me those huge AHA moments, but if the one degree change will happen withe me, it will be due to NaLDS, due to the people I met and the conversation we had.

I changed

"Ce te motiveaza pe tine?"
"Increderea celorlalti in mine."

M-am schimbat. Si azi mi-am dat seama de asta. Faptul ca ceilalti au incredere in mine, ca nu vreau sa ii dezamagesc nu mai este lucrul primar care ma motiveaza. Imi pare totusi rau de cum am aflat asta...
Si in acelasi context, mi-am mai dat seama de unele lucruri:
problema mea de a aproxima distantele nu se refera numai la faptul ca nu pot sa parchez cum trebuie masina ci si la faptul ca nu intrezaresc sfarsitul decat dupa ce am trecut deja de el
inca imi doresc din suflet lucruri pe care acum, aici nu le mai pot avea
revin la complexele de inferioritate din liceu

Si, cu toate astea, ziua de azi a fost minunata pentru ca exista oameni la care tin enorm de mult si am reusit sa le transmit si lor asta.

The kitchen

I just realised it! It's all about the kitchen! This is what gives me strength and makes me feel comfortable with myself. It motivates me to continue what I started and to experiment new things.

I love my kitchen. It's big, cosy and you can always find mint tea and fruits there. I want to take it with me at Cluj. My kitchen is the place where I fell asleep studying, where I cry everytime something goes wrong, where my father was upset with me for a horrible mark at physics, where I can enoya rainy day with a hot tea or a sunny summer day with watermellon.

I want a kitchen in Cluj! For me, it's more than a room. It's stability, order and memories...

Home, sweet home

I'm home now. Home as in my parents' house. And I love it. It's the first time when I don't want to get back to Cluj. Mainly because being here means I'm in a safe environment where I don't have to do anything that I don't want to (unlike Cluj). You know, today I realised something... that for the past 3 years my rooms' blinds were all the time closed. No sun in the green room... That's so weird! Still, this is not the important thing about home. The important thing is that I found out that this is the palce where I can run away. And I know it's so far from Cluj, but it's the only place where I don't feel guilty for not being what the others expect me to be.

Coming home was also a nice. I skipped LTT team building (I'm kind of sorry for this), but I met my Frencg teacher from highschool - one of my role models. We shared memories, gossips and we agreed that I'm her younger version (all I have to do now is to get a scolarship in France and she'll be really proud of me). Now I'm about to meet a really good friend and I can't wait for it.

I love this place! It's the center of my comfort zone!

THE weekend

Am avut un weekend fenomenal: my OC (at least part of it), Nuschuletz la mine, o intalnire la care mi-au tremurat picioarele de credeam ca o sa cad de pe scaun, un ceai in cel mai frumos si intim loc din cluj, really late dinner la Nuschuletz, un film pana la 12, o poveste cu Kitzu meu (cat de mult pot sa o admir!) si monopoly cu roxana si lupo.

Am fost fericita weekendul asta! Si asta e un sentiment pe care o sa il expeimentez inca 5 weekenduri de acum inainte. Probabil apoi o sa urmeze 2 frustare, 1 de usurare, 1 de emotii pt un foarte drag prieten si apoi unul in care o sa imi fac bagajele spre Slovacia.

Long live weekends!

Interesant

Nu stiu exact daca am voie sa public chestia asta pe blog (sper ca nu incalc niciun drept de autor), dar e un text care pe mine m-a impresionat foarte tare si in care m-am regasit de la foarte mult in sus.


TALENT FĂCUT CIOBURI
Cǎutarea unui talent este, poate, primul semn cǎ nu ai nici unul
De Gabriela Piţurlea
Într-o zi de toamnǎ m-am urcat pe ,,miniscena” din vitrina coaforului de lângǎ piaţǎ. M-am întors cu spatele la geamurile prǎfuite şi pǎtate şi, dupǎ ce am studiat spectatoarele entuziaste, mama mi-a întins un pieptene, ca microfon. L-am refuzat. Mi-am tras ciorǎpeii albi, mi-am aranjat rochiţa roşie de lânǎ, am fixat o agrafǎ din bretonul scurt şi am început sǎ fredonez.
“Fatǎ dagǎ, nu fii tistǎ, fiin’cǎ e pǎcat.”
Mǎ mutam de pe un picior pe celǎlalt, mişcându-mi stângaci mâinile, concentratǎ exclusiv asupra cântecului abia învǎţat. Pelticǎ şi puţin rǎguşitǎ, dar cu seriozitate maximǎ. În faţa mea aşteptau nişte doamne drǎguţe, cu lucruri caraghioase în pǎr şi trebuia sǎ le distrez. Aveam patru ani.
Când sunt întrebatǎ ce pot sǎ fac, îmi amintesc involuntar de acest moment. Pe atunci ştiam cǎ sunt unde trebuie sǎ fiu, cǎ sunt stǎpânǎ pe mine, tocmai pentru cǎ nu aveam ce stǎpâni. Veneam în faţa unor strǎini şi îmi fǎceam numǎrul: nu obligatǎ de mama, nu dornicǎ de afirmare, ci pentru cǎ eu învǎţam poezii şi cântecele, iar “publicul” vroia sǎ le asculte. În copilǎrie ai voie sǎ crezi orice, iar când crezi, existǎ. Moş Nicolae, Barza, Iepuraşul. Talentul. Cu atâtea oglinzi umane gata sǎ-mi aprecieze prestaţia, conta prea puţin calitatea avânturilor mele artistice. Reflexia cea mai convenabilǎ mi-o oferea mama, pentru cǎ era perfect sincerǎ în admiraţia ei subiectivǎ.
Prin clasa a cincea am observat o schimbare. Ceva nu era în ordine. Îmi muriserǎ lǎudǎtorii, se spǎrseserǎ oglinzile. Nu mi se mai spunea cǎ am talent, ci cǎ sunt inteligentǎ, iar asta cu o profuziune de zâmbete, încurajǎri, şi note mari. Era ca şi cum adulţii ar fi încercat sǎ compenseze lipsa de apǎ, cu mâncare. Inteligenţa are legǎturǎ cu ceea ce înveţi. Talent ai, sau nu. Inteligenţa se ciopleşte. Talentul se şlefuieşte. Din lemn nu ies diamante, iar eu crescusem într-o familie care mǎ convingea cǎ strǎlucesc.
A trebuit sǎ mai cresc puţin ca sǎ conştientizez cǎ singura asemǎnare dintre mine şi Mǎdǎlina Manole este o aluniţǎ pe faţǎ. Şi atunci mi-am promis cǎ singurele partide de karaoke pe care le voi accepta vor fi acasǎ, cu persoane ca mine.
La orele de muzicǎ mǎ stânjenea atât de tare cǎ profesoara mǎ punea sǎ cânt pentru notǎ, încât nu o puteam privi în ochi. Asta o deranja evident, pentru cǎ la un moment dat m-a întrebat ce tot am. Adevǎrul era cǎ aş fi obligat-o sǎ mǎnânce foile cu partituri. Nu-i puteam spune asta. Am strâns pumnii sub bancǎ, am zâmbit prosteşte, am lǎsat capul în pǎmânt şi am mormǎit cǎ nu mai fac. Îi invidiam pe “cântǎreţii” clasei pentru cǎ nu aveau probleme de genul ǎsta.
Întotdeauna am avut colege de bancǎ talentate. Primarǎ - Teodora. Picta frumos şi avea un mod al naibii de talentat de a scrie caligrafic. Gimnaziu - Andreea. Cânta superb, dar de cele mai multe ori se abţinea sǎ o arate, ceea ce mi se pǎrea o prostie mare cât casa. Liceu - Diana. Desena portrete de oameni cu un cap uman şi cu nas adevǎrat, nu din acela triunghiular, şi gurǎ cu buze, şi mâini cu degete, şi picioare cu gambe, ceea ce continuǎ sǎ mi se parǎ extraordinar chiar şi acum, la 19 ani, când în sfârşit pot desena o creangǎ. Odatǎ şi-a uitat o schiţǎ în blocul meu de desen. Am ajuns acasǎ, am aruncat ghiozdanul cât colo, am luat o coalǎ şi am copiat trupul acela perfect, sigurǎ cǎ aşa voi învǎţa sǎ-l fac şi singurǎ. Dupǎ ce l-am tot copiat pe vreo 6-7 coli mi-am dat seama cǎ nu am sorţi de izbândǎ şi m-am mulţumit sǎ-l îmbrac.
Deşi nu am luat niciodatǎ în tragic aceastǎ inferioritate, a existat mereu o listǎ de talente potenţiale, din care am tǎiat, în timp, aproape tot. La mine talentul a fost ca Iepuraşul de Paşti. Intr-o zi am înţeles cǎ nu existǎ, dar nu am încetat sǎ sper cǎ va apǎrea. Erica Jong zice cǎ toţi avem câte un talent, dar cǎ rar este curajul de a-l urma în locul întunecat unde te duce. Probabil cǎ al meu e cât un ciob, s-o fi ascuns în vreo peşterǎ sau vreo gurǎ de canal şi tace, mândru cǎ mǎ pune în mare încurcǎturǎ.
De câţiva ani îmi promit cǎ voi merge la cursuri de dans, dar de fiecare datǎ când o prietenǎ îmi spune cǎ se înscrie, îmi pierd curajul. Într-o searǎ m-am uitat la Dansez pentru tine, iar noaptea am visat nu lumini şi dans lejer, ci pe Mihai Petre care încerca, fǎrǎ succes, sǎ mǎ înveţe paşii de bazǎ. La sfârşit îi zicea mamei: “Doamnǎ, regret, fiica dumneavoastrǎ danseazǎ ca o cizmǎ. Nu pot face nimic pentru ea.”
Mai aştept.
De ce? Pentru cǎ aplauzele nu se uitǎ. Aveam patru ani şi, dupǎ douǎ şlagǎre pop şi un “Ce te legeni, codule?”, priveam mândrǎ fanele coafate. Mi-am apucat rochiţa şi am fǎcut o reverenţǎ, ca la patinaj, apoi am sǎrit lejer pe podea, evitând sǎ ating cu picioarele de artistǎ şuviţele din jur. Am prins degetele mamei, am zis “Sǎru’mâna!” şi am ieşit cu urechile întinse dupǎ laudele mieroase ale doamnelor.
(http://www.ascrie.org/2008/02/04/talent-facut-cioburi/)

Acum stau si ma gandesc care a fost momentul in care am fost aplaudata si mai ales motivul pentru care am fost aplaudata. In cazul meu nu a fost cantatul (parintii mei au fost sinceri cu mine inca de la 3 ani), nici desenatul (8-ul de la desen din clasa I si profa din gimnaziu m-au facut sa imi dau seama de limitarile mele), nici dansul (a se vedea lectiile de salsa abandonate)... poate la un moment dat a fost scrisul... si daca intr-adevar asa a fost, atunci poate il pot avea inapoi. Pentru ca pana acum am scris pentru mine, dar oricand ma pot apuca sa scriu pentru altii si sa imi aduc la suprafata un talent. Deocamdata, e bine ascuns pe undeva printr-o pestera obscura.

Silviutza, om sucit

Azi ploua. E toamna, e un pic frig, in Hasdeu se lucreaza si e zgomot sacadat de tractor zdrobind bucatile infime de piatra si e noroi. Ai spune ca pana si culoarea incepe sa se piarda in peisaj. Dar azi dimineata, pe la 8, cand am iesit din camera, in timp ce incuiam usa, nu stiu cum, nu stiu de ce, privirea mi-a zburat pe geamul din capul coridorului. A fost o singura privire, dar peisajul ce se infatisa in fata ochilor mei mi-a taiat respiratia. A fost suficient incat sa ma opresc din ceea ce faceam, sa respir adanc si sa zambesc evident de sincer.

Ador toamna. Ador ce am vazut de dimineata: copacul cu frunze aurii, brazii inalti, mohorati dar inca verzi (si totusi se vede ca imbatranesc... pe zi ce trece devin din ce in ce mai morocanosi si mai inchisi la culoare) si cladirea fada care asteapta parca in fiecrae dimineata o imbratisare a razelor de soare sau atingerea discreta a picaturilor de ploaie.

Cand ploua, mai nimeni nu zambeste pe strada. Mai toti sunt preocupati sa nu intre in imitatiile de lacuri de pe trotuare, sa nu fie loviti de cineva cu o umbrela mai impertinenta sau cu aspiratii inalte. Si totusi, eu ador sa ma plimb prin ploaie. Sa simt cum cad picaturile aluneca usor pe obraz, cum din cand in cand un copac se debaraseaza de griji si arunca peste mine o rece manta de apa sau cum frunzele incearca sa isi recupereze demnitatea calcata in picioare de atatea perechi de cizme inalte.

Sunt Silviutza, om sucit. Zambesc si ma simt ca acasa, pot lucra, ma pot automotiva si imi pot recapata entuziasmul. Imi place toamna. Imi place mai ales pentru ca o simt a mea. Si ca da, sunt fericita atunci cand stau singura pe o banca si ma uit la amalgamul de vieti din jurul meu.

my thoughts lately

Lately, I started asking myself questions. And this is a very good thing. I'm finally back to reality, so I start thinking, acting again. The questions that I asked most of the people I know is "What is the smartest question you heard lately?". I tried to answer to it as well and I realised that my question is "Who/what decides what is my value?". I don't know the answer yet. I may have a slight idea, but I need to talk about it so that I realise if I'm right.

However, this is not why I wanted to post tonight. Another thing that I was thinking about these days is what I take for granted:

• my parents' support (both emotional and financial) for anything I want to do
• the fact that I will live at least 30 years
• doing every day something I like
• Carturesti and its tea
• my books, earings and fridge magnets
• day dreaming 24 hours a day

I know that many people have to fight to get these things. But I don't. And I don't want to change this. I also took friends for granted, but I was wrong. You have to make an effort to keep them in your life, no matter how close of far away they live.

I know I'm lucky. And this is how I want to stay from now on!

feelings

sentimentul victoriei in echipa, starea euforica ce te face sa sari si sa imbratisezi, sa plangi si sa razi cu gura pana la urechi, sa simti ca lumea e numai a ta.

o iubire ca in cantecele lui Tudor Chirila

acasa

Schimbari

Schimbarea reprezinta singura constanta in viata mea. Totul se modifica, din clipa in clipa, numai ca sa dea nastere la ceva mai frumos si mai adevarat. Stiam eu asta, dar cand mai reflectam din cand in cand ma gandeam ca e vorba numai de acele lucruri importante in viata (si acum cineva care ma cunoaste mai bine decat imi doresc m-ar intreba cu o privire pe sfert atotstiutoare, pe sfert compatimitoare si pe jumatate zambareata: "Ce e cu adevarat important pentru tine?")...

In fine, uite ce s-a mai schimbat la mine (lucruri la care nu m-as fi asteptat absolut deloc):

• nu-mi mai plac batoanele de ciocolata (raman fidela ciocolatei calde din Enigma/ Q Cafe si inghetatei de cacao totusi)
• nu pot sa imi mai concep ziua fara Pasarea Colibri si Ingrid Michaelson
• desi stau de 1 saptamana in camin, nu pot sa spun ca sunt acasa (inainte, daca dormeam peste noapte in alt oras, in 5 minute locul respectiv devenea acasa)
• pot sa dorm pe spate
• seara Toto doarme langa mine, nu la mine in brate (Roxana, oare asta inseamna ca incep sa ma fac si eu mare?)
• scrisul pe blog in romana nu mai e doar o chestie de sinceritate, ci o preferinta

Cred ca astea sunt chestiile majore din nimicurile de zi cu zi. Dar am avut azi revelatia asta si mi s-a parut util sa o mentionez intr-un loc in care o pot revedea ceva mai tarziu.

Silvia :)

mixed feelings

I miss the feelings I had when these pictures were taken. I'm trying to redifine myself now, to create home, to realise what I want to do. I feel that for now I'm like a 1000 pieces puzzle that is spread all around the world. I just hope it won't take me that much to bring all the pieces together.

A really nice surprise

Today I discovered Calin's blog. And I am really impressed by it. I worked with him a couple of months when I entered AIESEC (he was my first TL), but I didn't get to know him very well.
Read it... it has a lot of really interesting thoughts: www.inrandculumea.wordpress.com

Alegeri proaste

De ceva timp, ma tot gandesc la alegerile pe care le-am facut. Si tot de ceva timp, am impresia ca toate aceste alegri au fost proaste. Ceea ce poata sa para un paradox, avand in vedere ca in ultimii ani mi s-au intamplat cele mai faine chestii din viata mea.

Si atunci... ce inseamna o alegere proasta? Ce inseamna pentru mine o alegere proasta? Greu de definit, dar de cateva zile incerc sa fac asta. Am ajuns la cateva caracteristici ale acesteia. Incerc sa fac un prfil cat mai fidel al unei alegeri proaste, dar deocamdata am numai o schita. Asadar, o alegere proasta e o alegere:

• pe care am regretat-o imediat ce am facut-o
• care m-a facut sa plang de cel putin 5 ori (it's not random this number)
• care mi-a adus pierderi financiare
• care m-a indepartat de oameni la care tin
• care ma face sa imi pun mereu intrebarea "Cum ar fi fost daca..."
• care ma indeparteaza de planurile nescrise si negandite din creierasul meu

Da... am facut o tona de alegeri proaste. Dar cumva, nu stiu exact cum, ele au avut si niste consecinte absolut fabuloase... Si-atunci de ce acum regret ca am facut algeri proaste si nu ma bucur de lucrurile frumoase pe care le am/le-am avut? Poate ca e adevarat ca nu stiu sa ma bucur de ceea ce mi se intampla...

O Silvia confuza si pierduta

My favourite photo ever

Back to Cluj

I'm back in Cluj. I have a new rom, for now almost nothing to do and TONES of memories.Last night I had tears in my eyes when I looked at some of the pictures...

... because I miss them, I miss the people I met, I miss the way they were...

In a few weeks I will meet some of the CC members, some of my friends again in Germany. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

me again

Mainly, this is why I haven't written on my blog lately. Because I had the best time of my life with a bunch of people that now are part of my heart and memories.

random thoughts before IC

Tomorrow is the last day of CC pre-stay. I´m nervous. I can´t believe that IC is actually starting... I have tones of butterflies in my stomach.

Today we had the day off... sleep in, chating with people from Romania, replying some mails
from delegates, a walk in the city.I have to confess that I don´t like this small city. It´s so poor, there are many old cars that pollute a lot, people that seem old and bad chocolate. Still, I like the fact that I saw this also. I didn´t want to keep in mind only the sunny beaches, the wonderful view, the nice metro and the really, really nice people.

I had a lot of time to think about myself, about what I want to do, who I am, who I should be, what I like and what I don´t like, about my comfort zone. You´ll see the follow up of these thoughts when I´ll come back.

Can´t wait for the next 2 weeks... full of green, challenges and passion.

21 again

At some point I realised why Tudor chose this number for the game. Now I forgot. But just seeing the name on his blog, I felt the need to redifine myself again. So, here we go... The 21 words that define me now

1. moody
2. red
3. dream
4. reality
5. IC 2008
6. melancholic
7. curious
8. uncertain
9. tanned :P
10. confident
11. challenging
12. air
13. water
14. bracelets
15. family
16. hugs
17. eyes
18. books
19. story
20. memories
21. future

I suppose they are so diferent from what I wrote about 1 year ago. I will read that also, but not now... Now, this is me... from Brazil, in a thinking and melancholic mood (very sleepy also).

Inspirational

Tonight, I didn't feel that good so I was trying to order my thoughts in the swings that are here. At some point, Ruth (the CCP) came and we started to talk... It was one of the most inspirational talks I had lately and it reminded me of another talk I had in February with someone else.

You know why I was selected in the CC team? Because I had a good application, because I was from Romania (Ruth said she supported me from the very begining because she was sure that a Romanian AIESECer will do a great job) and because I would bring diverity to the team (my AIESEC XP is a little bit different of that of the other CC memebers - former MC, EB, trainees, etc.). Knowing this makes me feel a lot more aware of my role here, makes me feel motivated not only by my enthusiasm...

Talking to her I understood the power of believing in what you are doing, the power of perseverence, and the power of dreaming. I loved talking to her, sharing our plans for the future... You know what amazed me the most? The fact that she admitted she lived in a bubble for the last years, but now she is looking forward to start her new career outside AIESEC, here in Brazil, thousands of kilometers away from Australia.

Ruth is a really special person. And I felt this from the very first speech she held us. I'm so happy I get to work with her :)

Lazy winter day

I woke up really early. At first, I didn't understand why it was so dark nor why everbody around me was still sleeping. After 2 hours of thinking and being really quiet, my day started. Semi-hot shower, delicious breakfast, a walk in the city.

The city is really small and very crowded. A lot of cars, especially old Beetles, horrible traffic, nice people, a little bit of shopping. And then, the church with the really nice view. I feel like I'm living the Marquez's novels. It's a painful sun, the poverty, the streets... However, the hill from the hotel property reminds me of home (actually, of Rachitele, TRIX, Rox, Lupo, Vladutz).

A light lunch and a lovely dessert (water mellon, pie, peaches) followed by a bath in the swimming pool. Even though the water was really cold, I had fun with Sandra and Anthony. I's a wonderful feeling to be free to do whatever you want. I think that today was my first day of holliday (and the last one because tommorow we start the agenda). I read a little, funny book (Actually, this book is a present for someone, but I couldn't help not reading it) and took a sun bath.

Tonight, we'll go to rodeo. I can't wait!

Oh, I'm in a small city near Sao Paolo (I can't remember the name right now, but we call it Ita)... and it's winter in Brazil :)

P.S: Thanx Dora, Gabelu for the feedback you gave me on the application form!

Strange mood

Toata lumea pleaca. E o forfota de nedescris in camin. Peste tot frigidere, masini burdusite cu tot felul de obiecte, oameni care se imbratiseaza grabit si isi ureaza vacanta placuta. Pana si camera noastra incepe sa fie goala... Roxi a plecat acasa, Anabelle e la Rares, dulapul Soniei a plecat.

Simt ca ar trebuie sa fiu mai fericita, dar e ceva ce ma determina sa imi pastrez in privire tristetea. E poate faptul ca prietenii mei cei mai buni nu o sa mai fie in fiecare zi la anul, unii nu o sa mai fie deloc in tara, iar alti oameni... alti oameni o sa fie doar prieteni din pacate.

Ma pregatesc pentru cea mai exotica, plina de nou si de entuziasm vara a vietii mele. Si tocmai de aceea se pare ca in mod involuntar fac bilantul pentru anul care a trecut. Ce s-a intamplat din octombrie si pana in iunie... muuuuuuulte, foaaaaaaaarte multe. Cred totusi ca in total o sa ies pe plus, ca lucrurile faine de anul asta le-au surclasat pe cele mai putin placute. Pentru ca pana la urma totul a fost bine.

Ma gandesc la cum a evoluat atmosfera in camera noastra (de la 3 best friends la tensiune apasatoare pe care am mascat-o cu deosebita eleganta din nou la 3 best friends), ce mi s-a intamplat in AIESEC (MCC, LCC2, SprinCO, Global Village), la prietenii pe care mi i-am facut, la oamenii care au intrat si au iesit din viata mea... Nu stiu de ce, am impresia ca azi e 31 decembrie... e o zi a bilantului, a dorintelor. Si poate pentru ca am senzatia ca e 31 decembrie simteam nevoia unui "proper good bye" cum mi-a zis azi cineva. Unul pe care mai mult sau mai putin voit nu o sa il am.

Ma simt ciudat... pentru ca stiu ca la anul, cand ma voi intoarce, nu va mai fi nimic din ce a fost in ultimii 2 ani. O sa fie ceva cu totul si cu totul nou. O sa fiu eu care am trait o vara minunata intr-o echipa internationala, o sa fiu in ultimul an gandindu-ma la licenta, o sa ma pregatesc de X, Anabelle o sa fie in Franta (sper din suflet), Roxi nu o sa mai fie aici zilnic, posterul de pe perete cu SprinCO va trebui inlocuit cu altceva, AIESEC o sa mai fie atat de putin, o sa fie clar primul meu job. De fapt, cred ca de asta mi-e un pic teama. Ca la anul imi voi schimba rutina si nu stiu inca cu ce...

Jocul cu masti

Cand a venit la Cluj, tati mi-a amintit de subiectul pe care l-am primit odata la o olimpiada de romana (jocul si ludicul in opera lui Caragiale). Si de atunci, mi-am dat seama ca totul poate fi un joc. Mai serios, mai amuzant, cu consecinte mai mult sau mai putin dureroase, cu prizonieri, cu printese, cu invingatori si invinsi. Viata poate fi un joc... jocul cu masti.

Avem enorm de multe masti la indemana. Masti pe care le punem pe trupul, chipul si sufletul nostru cu atat de multa usurinta, fara macar a ne uita in oglinda. De fapt, nu avem nevoie de oglinda pentru ca oricum nu ne-am vedea in ea. Fara masti, suntem nimic. De indata ce imbracam o masca, primim noi simturi, o noua atitude, o noua perceptie, un nou zambet sau o lacrima in coltul ochiului. Mastile cu care jonglam atat de abil, atat de repede, atat de natural sunt cele prin care traim viata.

Cateodata, purtam o singura masca pentru mai mult timp... Si atunci avem impresia ca aceea e adevarata noastra natura, ca nu mai traim prin masti, ca ne-am descoperit pe noi insine. De cele mai multe ori, nu putem insa sa traim in iluzia asta pentru totdeauna. Pentru ca vine momentul acela dur in care schimbam din nou masca (constient sau nu) si atunci doare... Doare pentru ca masca pe care am tinut-o atat de mult trebuie sfasiata de pe trupul, chipul si sufletul nostru. Doare pentru ca aveam impresia ca gasisem ceea ce cautam si ne-am inselat. Doare pentru ca noua masca are un adeziv puternic care ne face sa traim prin ea, dar sa ne amintim de ce am fost.

Asa ne e viata... Un simplu joc cu masti. Dar cine castiga oare? Cea mai longeviva, cea mai puternica, cea mai zambitoare? Catiga cea cu care te nasti sau cea cu care mori? Castiga cea cu care ai fost fericit sau cea care ti-a adus cea mai multa suferinta? Cine castiga in jocul cu masti? Paradoxal, niciuna... Castigi tu, omul care ai fost suportul pe care s-au pus ele in valoare. Pentru ca ele nu si-au dat seama ca de fiecare data cand mai mult sau mai putin grabit le-ai rupt sau le-ai indepartat cu delicatete de pe trupul, chipul sau sufletul tau au lasat acolo un strop de pigment, un strop de simt, un strop de sentimente, un strop de consistenta. Si atunci cand cadrul invizibil, insesizabil, ignorat de masti va fi acoperit, atunci el va castiga jocul cu mastile. Dar nimeni nu stie cand.

Pana cand cadrul va fi complet, continuu insa jocul cu masti... pana la urma, intotdeauna mi-am dorit sa merg la Carnavalul de la Venetia.

nice question

Today, I entered the office after a long period of time. What drew my attention, but for Vladutz working there, was a flip chart on which was written a simple question "What motivates me?".

So, what motivates me? Well, there are a few things...
being the first in a competition...
chocolate...
people that I love who trust me...
a walk in the city...
a beautiful landscape...
acting instead of dreaming...
building the future...

It's somehow strange that now I don't have any of the above. Maybe this is why I feel so down... Because the only competition I'm in is one in which I'm bound to lose, because I can't eat chocolate at this hour, because the people I love don't know I need them, because today Cluj was too hot and crowded and it's beauty wasn't obvious anymore, because I couldn't be happy for the dreams that were shared with me, because I don't have the will to get up and start studying.
I suppose sadness is something that will go away at some point (even though these days I'm under the impression that it's written in my DNA).

Waiting for a better mood, for a brighter day and for a less tensed atmosphere.

random and sincere

OK... You all say that I'm a spoiled little girl.

Well, you are right! I am like this and I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE! I don't care if it's good or bad, if it's immature or not, this is it! This is me.. moody, spoiled, sometimes smiling, some other times pissed off, grateful or... not.

I don't feel like trying to improve myself. I'm not a soft that you can make better and better every year. I want to be the way I am without feeling bad or judged by people I consider my friends. I don't want to wake up in the morning with a to do list about my attitude. I want to listen to my instinct... do what I feel... what I want... smile or cry... go shopping or read... learn or complain... be alone or together with my friends... run in the rain or stay home... eat in the middle of night or drink only water... listen to music or watch all day long "Grey's anatomy". This is me. I have no idea where I'm going to, I dream big but I'm afraid to act, I'm not constant and rain makes me cry.

Oh, and there's something else... something that's been bugging me for a while... I no longer love this play field... so I simply quit. Tomorrow is my last day. And then, I'll take a long, long walk through the world (and you should take this literally) searching for a new play field... Who knows? Maybe it'll be the same game... We'll see... Till then, this is me... moody and spoiled.

Hapiness and excellence

Lately, I thought a lot about excellence. A few months ago, I was sure that "striving for excellence" is one of my personal values. Now, I have second thoughts. I saw what it means trying to reach excellence. And I saw it means failing to reach it.

Unconsciously, I made a choice a few months ago. I chose that I won't strive for excellence if this doesn't make me happy... And now, reaching excellence in one domain or another won't make me happy. I have to admit that if I want to be really, really, really good at something I have to work a lot, I have to focus only on that thing, I have to have a high level of motivation (and pretty much constant), I have to be enthusiastic, I have to have time. And striving for excellence means devoting myself, my energy, putting my heart in only one thing.

Sometimes, doing only one thing makes me happy. But not now. Now I need my friends, school, AIESEC, my family and IC in order to be happy. And I want them constantly in my life. So, I can't devote myself fully to only one aspect. And this is why I chose not to strive for excellence. I chose to enjoy the simple life, without continuous challenges, without underfucking everything, without making conscious efforts to grow up or to learn from every experience I have.

I feel more self aware... And I'm not afraid to admit who I am... I'm a person that just realised that she needs to learn more practical stuff, to actually gain knowledge on her domains of interest and stop pretending that she has developed abilities that she doesn't actually has at an acceptable standard for real world.

This is me... happy and a bit mediocre. This is me... and I accept myself as I am.

I just love the image :)

Your Emoticon Is Smiling

Right now, you're feeling cheerful and content - without a care in the world.

What Emoticon Best Represents You Right Now?

O zi minunata

Gata! Am pus stampila pe ziua de azi: MINUNATA!

Un buchet de lacramioare, o sedinta eficienta, 2 seminarii reusite, o masa copioasa, un eseu inceput, un gand spontan pe care vreau sa il pun in practica, un ceai verde (dulce minune interzisa...) cu miere intr-un loc acum singur.

M-am trezit zambind. Si asa mi-am continuat ziua. De ce oare? Nu stiu sigur (sau nu vreau sa recunosc :P). Pur si simplu stiu ca totul se va termina cu bine, ca tot ce am inceput se va finaliza asa cum vreau eu (si sexy, asa cum vrea coach-ul meu).

M-am trezit zambind. Si de aici mi-a venit motivarea pentru ziua de azi. Din zambetul un pic adormit, dar sincer al unui copil (asa cum vreau eu sa ma cred), un pic pierdut pe planeta asta. Se zice ca o floare nu aduce primavara, dar un zambet... cate nu face un zambet!

M-am trezit zambind. Si asta mi-a dat o pofta nebuna de viata!

Trebuie sa dau mai departe zambetul asta... E prea frumos ca sa il tin numai pentru mine :)

As fi vrut sa scriu ceva mai inteligent, dar starea mea de acum nu e una inteligenta... e una lenes de boema... Ma intorc la dulcea minune interzisa si eseul inceput...

more stupid things :P

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium. In general, you prefer to have only one love interest. But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long! There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is medium. You probably have had a couple significant loves. And you may have even had your heart broken. But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people. Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is medium. You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love... But you've definitely been burned enough to know better. You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist. Independence: Your independence is high. You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love. Having your own life is very important for you... Even more important than having a relationship.

The Five Variable Love Test

hihihi

You Are 26% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

wasting time

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are a fairly energetic person. You know how do pace yourself, and you deal well with stress. You range from very outgoing to very shy. You are a shapeshifter who is very versatile. You adapt well, and you look at things from many angles. You are balanced and grounded. You know how to get along well with others. You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well. You are conservative, old fashioned, and a little stubborn. You are resistant to change. You are a decent communicator. You eventually get your point across, but sometimes you leave things a bit ambiguous.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

Something that I'm proud of :)

Voiam sa scriu postul asta in engleza... Dar mi-am dat seama ca e prea important pentru mine si ca merita scris in romana (pentru ca dac aimi fac curaj sa zic/spun ceva in romana, atunci chiar cred chestia respectiva).

Am trecut peste! In sfarsit! In sfarsit pot sa ma uit la ei si sa ii admir fara sa imi doresc sa fiu si eu acolo. Sunt mandra de mine (Roxi, dupa cum vezi, nu am scapat de ticul asta) ca am reusit sa trec peste. Mi-a luat mult timp (prea mult dupa standardele orgoliului meu), dar sunt foarte fericita ca acum pot sa fiu alaturi de ei, alaturi de AIESEC fara resentimente, fara sa ma simt in plus, ci pur si simplu pentru ca simt din nou ca locul meu este aici.

O conferinta, un prieten, o experienta ca faci, un vis implinit, un posibil accident de masina, un post pe un blog, un clip, o amintire... Cam asta mi-a trebuit ca sa reusesc. Si chiar daca au fost 3 luni in care m-am indepartat de oameni la care tin si m-am apropiat de altii noi, 3 luni destul de greu de suportat in momentele in care eram doar eu, sunt 3 luni care au trecut.

Si acum pot spune cu mana pe inima ca incepe ceva nou. Nu stiu cu cine, nu stiu unde, nu stiu de ce. Stiu doar cand: ACUM!

Oare o fi o minune de Paste?

legume mexicane

Asa sunt eu... Un amestec foarte interesant de gusturi si culori pus intr-un ambalaj relativ stupid si comun, usor de degustat, practic, pe care unii il plac, iar altii nu. Asa sunt eu... Un amestec teribil de pasiune, energie si lene, viata si latenta, rautate si bunavointa.

Sunt cateodata ca un ardei rosu care isi pierde forma si gustul in mediul in care se afla. Sunt cateodata dulce ca un bob de porumb... dar care lasa un gust usor neplacut. Sunt mica si bondoaca precum un bob de mazare.

Sunt un amestec atat de lipsit de unitate si directie. Sunt un amestec care doar tine de foame...

"Who will be travelling to live, work and party in Brazil?

After more than a month of reviewing 200 applications from 46 AIESEC countries, the Core Congress Committee has the pleasure to announce the results of the CC Team Leader and Teamster selection.

Who will be the next generation of CC to deliver a legacy IC?

The lucky AIESEC’ers selected to deliver AIESEC’s 60^th International Congress and Global Alumni Congress are:

Delegate Servicing Team

Bruna Sampaio, Brazil/Ireland (Team Leader)

Eliabe Freitas, Brazil (Teamster)
Luna Ferolla, Brazil (Teamster)
Juan Pablo Salazar Arias, Colombia (Teamster)
Emilija Petrovska, Macedonia (Teamster)
Brenda I. Piñero-Carrasquillo, Puerto Rico (Teamster)
Silvia Patrascu, Romania (Teamster)

External Relations Team

Jen Wilson (Team Leader)

Rainbow Cheung , Canada (Teamster)
Ma’andi Mohamed, Egypt (Teamster)
Ninika Dhawan, India (Teamster)
Lieske Verhagen, Netherlands (Teamster)
Taha Durrani, Pakistan (Teamster)
Antonije Radovic, Serbia (Teamster)

Events Team

Kátia Todeschini, Brazil (Team Leader)

Tomás González Olavarría, Chile (Teamster)
Alexandra Boskovicova, Czech (Teamster)
Sandra Theis, Germany/UK (Teamster)
Daniil Petin, Russia (Teamster)
Uros Tomic, Serbia (Teamster)
Zhang Ning, Singapore (Teamster)

Finance Team

Nitesh Rungta, India (Team Leader)

Ana Novais Cunha, Brazil (Teamster)
Zuzana Chrenkova, Slovakia (Teamster)
Joel Carapaica, Venezuela (Teamster)

Information Systems Team

Felix Handler, Germany (Team Leader)

Alexandra Garcia, Colombia (Teamster)
Pablo Furlan, Brazil (Teamster)
Meet Shah, India (Teamster)

Public Relations Team

Rebeca Rocha, Brazil (Teamster)

Transport and Logistics Team

Alex Cabon, France/Brazil (Team Leader)

Willy Campos, Brazil (Teamster)
Larissa Uliana, Brazil (Teamster)
Flavio Rabelo, Brazil (Teamster)
Jessica Patrick, Canada (Teamster)
Dennis Krug, Germany (Teamster)
Claudio Casale, Italy (Teamster)
Ekaterina Kovalchuk, Russia (Teamster)
Ondrej Micuda, Slovakia (Teamster)

Alumni Congress Team

Sandy Lopes, Belgium (Teamster)
Mihir Patel, India (Teamster)

Human Resource Team

Nida Rasheed, Pakistan (Team Leader)

Kana Fujimori, Australia (Teamster)

Conference Managers

Vladimir Vaculik, Slovakia (Teamster)
Soraya Hausl, Austria (Teamster)
Christina Jaeger, Germany (Teamster)
Aidila Razak, Malaysia/Australia (Teamster)"

Again, dreams about IC and Brazil... But this time is a dream came true! I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I have one of those moments when I simply shut up (and this happens so rarely:P ) and I let the huge smile on my face to tell everything about me :)

Signs

I believe in signs...

Again, dreams about IC and Brazil. I think that right now this is my biggest dream. And it scares me... It scares me accepting their decision (from previous AIESEC experiences I realized that I don't like it when the others take decisions concerning my future... decisions that I don't know how I can influence nor accept). I keep dreaming I will be accepted (Ansuca said that what you dream is the opposite of what will happen, but I totally disagree).

And other signs... After a horrible Wednesday morning with black thoughts concerning my future, my career and my failures, things started to get better and better... Maybe because of the REDD'S (I love this "chick beer" as we called it last night) I drunk at the induction meeting we had, maybe because of the fact that I cooked, maybe because I decided not to go to school today, maybe because I realized I was jealous. And the signs continued... I discovered Paganini and I realized I simply adore his music (and I hated violin till now). I received an inspirational ppt about perseverance and never giving up, an application form for Global Village coordinator, my horoscope said new beginnings happen every day.

My first beginning for today: listening to Paganini's violin concerts. C'est magnifique!

Passion

Passion is what makes you smile with all your heart and in the same time tremble. Passion is what gives you the courage to dream big and what motivates you to act big. Passion is that thing that makes your eyes sparkle even when you are tired and down.

Passion is what I saw these days around me. And passion is what I feel when I think about Brazil and Switzerland. It was passion that gave me power in the last months and passion is what gives me power to build a new road.

It's all about your passion. And my passion is changing...

Random thoughts...

De foarte mult timp ma intreb... De cativa ani buni, de fapt. Am tot discutat cu oameni mai mult sau mai putin intelepti, cu mai multa sau mai putina experienta de viata, cu oameni mai mult sau mai putin spontani ori sufletisti... Si mi-am dat seama ca da... Da, poti sa retrogradezi o prietenie.

De fapt, e ca in relatii. La un moment dat, din diferita motive, se pierde interesul. Nu mai exista subiecte comune de discutii, nu se mai frecventeaza aceleasi locuri, apar alti oameni. Si pur si simplu se termina. E la inceput o perioada ciudata, in care parca ar trebui sa fie mai mult, dar nu e si cei implicati parca se simt obligati sa se prefaca un pic. Dar in timp pana si asta dispare. Si se ajunge la momentele de sinceritate, in care nu iti mai pasa foarte mult, in care ignori fara probleme, in care prietenii se transforma in cunostinte.

M-am tot intrebat cum se poate intampla asta... Si mi-am dat seama ca e destul de pueril, dar si adevarat...Cu cat sunt mai complexe legaturile dintre oameni, cu atat sunt sanse mai mari ca ei sa ramana prieteni in pofida tuturor lucrurilor care se intampla. Chiar cred ca in acest caz cantitatea influenteaza calitatea, in sensul in care cu cat sunt mai multe lucruri pe care oamenii le au in comun, cu atat relatia lor e mai diversa si sunt sansele mai mari ca ea sa reziste in timp.

Asa ca da... O prietenie poate fi retrogradata. Si daca nu prinzi tendinta asta in primele momente, degeaba mai incerci sa o resuscitezi. Exista momente de ruptura pe care nu le poti acoperi apoi cu superglue pentru ca pur si simplu nu mai e la fel. Spunea o data cineva mai intelept decat mine ca o prietenie care a fost ranita nu va mai fi nicicand ca inainte. Si se pare ca a avut dreptate.

E greu... Mi-e greu sa accept noua realitate si sa pretind ca ce se intampla acum e normal. Pentru ca nu e. Sau cel putin nu e cum visam si cum credeam acum cateva luni. Asta ca dovada ca din cand in cand nu se intampla asa cum vrem noi, ca din cand in cand trebuie sa acceptam ca altceva si altcineva ne influenteaza deciziile.

Pentru un drum care abia se contureaza am nevoie la inceput doar de ceea ce ma face fericita si imi da incredere. Si desi inca mai doare, e timpul sa renunt si eu si sa nu mai incerc din nou sa pun un plasture prea mic pentru o rana pe care nu o vad, nu o inteleg, dar o simt puternic zbatandu-se in mine.

a few more ends to come

Looking back at the past few months, I realized that if I were to describe them in one word that would be END. They were all about the end of a dream, the end of feelings, the end of a great experience, the end of life, the end of a lifestyle. There are still some things to end, but I don't have the courage to accept that I want to end them and I can't do it for now.

I wish I were bold enough to leave all these behind and start again from scratch. But I'm not... I need someone to encourage me, someone that knows me, that doesn't judge me and that can accept my flaws. I think it's the first time in my life when I feel I need someone to truly be here for me. All these ends made me powerless...

Pentru...

pentru ca am de ce sa zambesc dimineata
pentru ca nu stiu incotro ma indrept
pentru ca am fost fericita
pentru ca inca mai cred in printese
pentru ca sunt oameni veseli in viata mea
pentru ca nu stiu cum sa alin suferinta
pentru ca nu stiu daca vom fi
pentru ca vreau sa zbor
pentru ca m-am speriat
pentru ca am curajul sa visez
pentru ca pot face ce vreau
pentru ca exista miracole zi de zi
pentru ca am terminat un capitol
pentru ca inceputul nu se mai arata in preajma
pentru ca vreau sa fiu mai mult decat ce am fost

pentru toate astea sunt fericita ca traiesc.....

Key Learning Points

It's been a long session... But I've learned a lot myself and the world around me... So here are my key learning points from the session:

• don't eat fast nor after 20:00
• sleep when you need to
• laugh as much as possible... it diminishes stress
• set realistic goals
• go out from time to time
• don't mix business and pleasure
• appreciate the people around you
• study for yourself, not for a grade nor pride
• a headache hurts, put ego hurts like shit
• if you are a pessimist person, make sure you work with optimist persons on key areas
• if you want others not to judge you, be the one that makes the first step and stop judging them
• trust the hunches you have
• falling from the top has the advantage of providing a long, interesting trip only with yourself
• don't lose contact with the people you care about
• always have pineapple and chocolate
  
• there are words I will forget
  
• never go shopping if you are too sad - you'll regret it for the rest of the month!
• if internal sources of power are off, switch to outlet power :)
• never live alone!!! It's even more boring than studying....
  

More to come when I will become smarter or wiser...

People

There are people that give me hope. There are people that make me see the reality. There are people that enable me to dream. There are people that make me happy. There are people that make me feel like a princess. There are people that make me believe that magic moments will come no matter what. And what do I offer to these people? Many times a smile, a dream, but so many other times a grin or a mean word...

How do I find the equilibrium between what I offer and what I receive? Because many times so far I received much more than I offered. And even when I thought I offered all that I could, they proved me that I need more from them.

My question, maybe a bit naive, is where from do they get their hope and energy? They receive it from the others or they simply wake up in the morning and are like this? I wish I knew... actually, I wish i were like them...

inimi de vanzare

Maine e val day. Poate de-asta am vazut zilele trecute intr-un supermarket o inima imensa. Atat de mare incat nu o puteam cuprinde in brate; nu stiu daca avea loc pe patul meu din camin. Am stat si m-am uitat la ea cateva minute... imi doream sa o am. Inca imi mai doresc. Imi doresc o inima atat de mare incat sa imi iasa din corp si care sa poata ierta si accepta mai mult decat o face acum.

Ma tot gandesc cum sunt persoanele care daruiesc o inima atat de mare. Incerc sa imi imaginez cum e sa ai o inima imensa si sa o daruiesti pe toata. Oare nu ramai gol? Sau dimpotriva, simplul fapt ca o dai cu atat de multa dragoste va face ca inima ta sa creasca si mai mult desi ai daruit-o? Cred ca pana la urma ramai fara ea numai atunci cand vezi ca cei care o primesc nu o mai vor... ca se joaca cu ea si apoi o arunca sau, si mai bine, ti-o returneaza intr-un ambalaj frumos spunand... ne pare rau, de acum inainte nu mai avem nevoie de ea, am gasit ceva mai bun.

Sunt inimi de vanzare pe peste tot... Probabil sunt inimile aruncate. Probabil cineva le gaseste si le aduna pe toata si incearca sa faca din bucati rupte si din cioburi inimi noi... Inimi noi care arata la fel, dar care pe dinauntru nu prea mai au nimic... Insa aparenta e cea care conteaza pentru ca toata lumea cumpara inimi... Ma intreb din nou ceva... Oare cumpara inimi sau incearca sa se amageasca crezand ca inima respectiva vine ambalata cu tot cu sentimente?

Sunt inimi de vanzare peste tot... Dar cate inimi de daruit mai sunt?

this is me

Probably now I'm doing the biggest error: I'm all alone in my room, I watched again the record with my professional presentation and the Q&A session and everything that popped into my mind started with "I should have been...".

I want to move on, I want to focus on something else, I want to cry or to find a way of letting out all the confusion and the sadness, but I can't. I'm here all alone and it hurts. It's not unbearable, it's not that kind of pain that destroys me, but it's persistent and it doesn't disappear. Maybe I can't find a way of expressing myself maybe I want someone to come and get me out of this place. I know for sure that I don't want people to feel pity for me. And I want them to want and to be able to respect my wishes and my needs, but I saw that they can't... I had the hunch that they won't be able to do it... and again, I had a good hunch.

Instead, what do I do? I keep listening "Good bye my love good bye". Yesterday morning when I decided to go shopping I had this song in my mind... and the only thing I heard was "Good Bye". Now, after listening it over and over I hear only the end "I come back to you". I will come back to AIESEC. The only thing I don't know is when I will do it fully and being able to look them in the eyes and honestly be glad for them.

I received as a feedback that I'm not organized... they are right. As you can see from this post, I only have random thoughts... And randomly said now, what annoys me the most is that I know I will understand the reasons he didn't elect me and I won't be angry with him. Instead of anger that comes and goes it will remain the haunting memory of my first failure... Some may say I was lucky to live 20 years without actually failing in anything.

I keep asking myself what did I learn from this experience... so far, that if I dress nice I feel more self confident (so don't be surprised if you see me wearing high heels or skirts) and that I'm too proud to allow myself to feel bad or not to act with maturity. Hopefully, more lessons will come these days.

For now I will put on my red high heels and prepare to see the beauty around me :)

an interesting day

An interesting day today. It started with tears... tears of sadness, tears of pain, tears of frustration. At noon, again tears... this time, tears of worry for my grandpa. This day it's about to end... and again, tears... tears of joy and emotion...

ups and downs

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

When I was just a child in school
I asked my teacher what should I try
Should I paint pictures
Should I sing songs
This was her wise reply

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will there be rainbows day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

What will be, will be
Que sera sera...

This is one of my favourite songs, one of my favourite messages. However, I can't listen to this message... it would be too easy to trust what future holds in store for me... I really don't know what this may be and today I realized that I'm not that lucky as I thought, that I lose from time to time (and unfortunately, my first reaction to this is not a positive one). I'm sad... not only because things didn't turn out the way I wanted, but because I'm not sure why did it happened: I'm not good enough or I didn't try hard enough...